“Beach Babe Amateurs”: What Does That Even Mean?

Here in Porn Valley we are beginning the fourth week of a record-breaking heat wave—but at least we have the beach. Still, even fruitcake California doesn't pay people to be porny on the beach, which is why this Miami title seemed so intriguing.

"They have such a deep pool of talent in Florida that they even have Triple-A ball beach babes?" we exclaimed. Sadly, although each of these unknowns is hot'n'trashy in her own way, we were more impressed with the East Coast pickup style exhibited by the film's director, Tony Vela, than beachy goings-on, because there really weren't any.

"I bet your pussy's nice and tight, too," notes Vela upon checking out Krystal Banks's bethonged ass. "HUH?"

Banks is walking up the beach to a stream of crudely-worded compliments that dubtless her mom would think her daughter better than. We are wondering if Banks hasn't considered continuing to walk to her car and then driving away.

"Look at that face," Vela is saying as he manhandles it. "So fucking pretty. Oh my God. Those titties are so fucking amazing. This fucking body on you. Fucking love it. So fucking good."

"Stop it," she says, and we believe her.

Banks, along with Mandy Sky ("Miami girls are just the sluttiest and the sexiest in the whole country," Vela says. "They just don't give a fuck"), Lacey Leveah, and Karina White, are taken from beach (1), poolside (2), or waterfronty park (1, but I think I saw that on "Dexter") to an apartment where they are sweatily banged by different men.

Luckily Vela doesn't offer commentary during the scenes.

We are unconvinced that 75 percent of these women are beach babes, per se, and we assume that money changed hands, so they are not amateurs. That is not saying that we wouldn't love to do terrible/wonderful things to each of them, and we would probably have more awesome things to say.

But maybe that's how they do it in Miami.

· Digital Sin (digitalsindvd.com)
· Buy "Beach Babe Amateurs" (tlavideo.com)