Ask Camille: Should I Take A Chance On Like/Lust?

Hi Camille,

I'm 25, and bi-curious, in the midwest.

My wife left late last year, and took the dog. I got a new dog, that I love very much. (Not that way.) It took a while, because the way that the relationship ended, but I eventually got lonely in ways that the dog can't fill (going shopping, out to eat, drinking, etc) and tried to find new friends or develop friends to fill that role, but I'm extremely shy. So, I turned to the internet, Craigslist, specifically, and stumbled upon someone. 

We started to talk, and became friends. I'm in the extended suburbs of the area, and she's in the city, so we've never hung out. But, as much as we could, we talked. Became closer. Learned more about each other. And she dated, which I was fine with. 

Over time, though, we started to say things like "I want to cuddle. Not sex, you know, but cuddle." And then, slowly, we started to open up on how lonely we are. 

Over time, I started to develop feelings for her. Not the smartest thing to do, but that's life. It's not the dirty things, but the things that matter. I love what she does for a living, I like her political views, I like how she reads, what she reads, tv, food, that she wants to travel, her goals, there isn't much that I have found that I don't like. Music, that's about it.

Once, I mentioned how I was watching the Vaginal Fantasy video, and she told me that she reads erotica. I told her that I did too. We started to talk about sex, and not just like "Oh, I wish I could have sex.", but like she said (tonight!) "I need cock." We started to get hotter and heavier, and eventually, there was sexting. Well, to be brief, she'll talk about how horny she is, and I'll talk about how horny I am, and I've sent erotica that I've written to her, porn that I've looked at, that she would like (and she did). So, almost as much as two people can be like this, we've been intimate. We know damn near everything that we like and would do with each other, if given the choice.

I want to be with her, and she's said that she wants to be in a relationship. I've told her that I want to be with her, but she's played the distance card. I don't want that to be it.

So, my dilemma is, what do I do? I want to be with her, and not for the crazy awesome kinky sex that I know that we'd have, but because I like her. I'd like her if she were vanilla. Do I keep on talking to her? She's antagonizing me, telling me what she wants done to her, but sometimes it's just the normal day to day shit, and I really do love having her as a friend. Do I refuse to talk to her about sex anymore, because I can't separate it from my feelings? Do I try (harder) to attempt to date her, try to go out at least once? I realize that meeting her once may completely change my feelings towards her, but I'm kinda doubting that my feelings will change.

I don't know who else to ask, either my family explicitly asked not to talk about my sex life or I don't feel comfortable, and my friends that I have won't be great advice.

Thanks,

Stuck in Like? Lust?

That's a pretty long story, and there are a few thing to consider, but there are a couple of central points that are integral to figuring out your next move: you're somewhere between like and lust with her and you've never actually met.  Those are two pretty important factors.

So, what do I think?  Well, you're obviously far enough removed from your marriage that you're ready to start dating again and you've latched on to someone who may in fact be a very good match for you, but it is really hard to discern that from the type of communication you've had.  That's not to say that because you haven't met in person, you don't know how you feel, but it's a combination...  You met specifically because you were both missing something, your relationship has developed sexually and emotionally at different speeds and then you also haven't actually seen each other in the flesh.

The best thing you can do to remedy this situation is to meet up.  You're in the suburbs and she's in the city, but you don't live in separate hemispheres...  People have gone a lot further to meet up!  I'm sure you can pick a spot in the middle to get together.  Propose this idea to her without any expectations, just to see how it goes.  Maybe sparks will fly, maybe they won't, but either way, you really can't know until you try.  Before you get any further into talks of dating, location logistics and feelings, just see how you interact.  It's hard not to develop strong attachments with your type of situation, but play it cool and you'll both be able to assess how you could potentially fit together.

As for the sex, well, it could certainly happen, but you should both be on the same page about what you want before you go any further.  Sex and love can be complicated, even when there aren't so many other things at play.  That said, the fact that you have a good foundation for common sexual interests certainly means that you could have a lot of fun, and that shouldn't be discounted as a great reason for you to be together.

For now, though, just float the idea and give her some time to think about it.  Then meet up for coffee or dinner...  Something low-key, and be open to what happens.  Maybe things will be as you both hope, or maybe this is a great introduction back into the world of meeting people and there will be someone else there who will be an even better match.  Regardless, it's good that you're getting out there.

Good luck!

· See more of Camille Crimson at The Art of Blowjob and CamilleCrimson.com (theartofblowjob.com + camillecrimson.com)

Camille Crimson is not a doctor. This column is for informational and entertainment purposes only. For more advice, head over to the Ask Camille archive.