Come To Phoenix If You’re “Xena”-phobic

If you, like me, never got into Lucy Lawless in the original "Xena: Warrior Princess," but thought she was great in both the "Battlestar Galactica" reboot and—especially—"Spartacus," Phoenix Marie is here to make a case for syndicated network television porn parodies.

This Is Not Xena: Warrior Princess

Studio: Paradox Pictures/Exquisite Films
Director: Jordan Septo
Starring: Phoenix Marie, Lexi Belle, Tommy Gunn, Nicole Aniston, Juelz Ventura, Rocco Reed, Lee Stone, Tommy Pistol, Seth Gamble, Chanel Preston, Randi Wright

Review by: Gram Ponante

"Ala boo da noo radha hoo naboo," goes the world music dirge that opens this movie, a parody of the 90's "Xena" from that Sorbo-soaked era of TV versions of "Highlander" and "Hercules." Jordan Septo's direction is up to par with the original.

Xena is just a tough mortal girl trying to make it in a god's world. Their caprices—and the meaty labia of Nicole Aniston's Aphrodite—get in Xena's way all the time. She must deal with boyfriend/demi-god Hercules (Rocco Reed in a Keanu wig) and avoid the darts of Cupid (Seth Gamble, who gets Lexi Belle instead).

Phoenix Marie is a brick house. You want her to show up in some Bukowski story or R. Crumb comic out-drinking the mailman. But since we don't make those movies too much, it's good to see her in warrior drag, squiring around Lexi Belle, who looks tiny by comparison.

Phoenix plays Xena as kind of butchy, especially as opposed to Belle's chirpy Gabrielle, and that makes Marie's stickfight with Juelz Ventura's Asti a little more grave.

"Well, if there was ever a time to walk away from two angry vaginas," says Tommy Pistol's Autoclytes, "it's now."

Having not paid attention to the original show once I determined that the sorely-needed nudity just wasn't gonna happen, I can't say if the performances were a tribute to the originals. But I do think this version is lit better, and the boobs stay up even without the help of corsets.

Ultimately Xena accomplishes whatever goal she has been tasked with accomplishing and reassures Gabrielle in a movie-ending lesbo scene.

"I'm the weak link," says Gabrielle.

"Don't ever say that," says Xena. "It's your love that makes me stronger."

The above exchange is either right on the money for the original show or it isn't. If it is, this "Xena" parody is the movie you should watch right now. If it is not, "Xena" is at least way better than Septo's "Hairy Twatter."

· Exquisite Films (exquisitefilms.com)
· Buy "Xena" (gamelink.com)