Sorry Ladies: There’s No Facial Cumshots In The “Kama Sutra”

The Kama Sutra is one of those cultural artifacts most of us know only by osmosis, like "Moby Dick" or "Dianetics." Now Adam & Eve has released a 2-disc movie (with a pamphlet!) vividly illustrating some of the more popular positions.

Even though I am now a well-traveled 19, I had never heard of any of the intriguing positions mentioned in the millennia-old book that is this movie's source text. So no "Late Spring Donkey" or "Transverse Lute And Placid Embrace" for me, but I am certain you have fallen into several Kama Sutra positions without realizing it, as have our friends in the porn world.

Unobtrusively narrated by Clinical Sexologist and Relationship Expert Kat Van Kirk, "Adam & Eve's Guide to the Kama Sutra" shows more than it tells, which is great. Couples April O'Neil and Giovanni Francesco, Isis Taylor and Marco Rivera, Lea Lexis and Michael Vegas, Shazia Sahari and Xander Corvus, and Misty Stone and Tyler Knight don and doff white linen garments in a gauzy bedroom to put each other through the positions as gentle ragas play.

As today's porn consumer demands both dynamics and a result, these single-position trysts might seem too static. But it is nice to know that the position Porn Valley knows as "Cowgirl" has been known for centuries as The Goat And the Tree. Too elaborate? What we and Snoop Lion call "Doggie" was merely Sixth Position to ancient Hindus.

There are a couple of positions in here that I'm sure you've all tried and quickly abandoned. Shazia Sahari and partner Xander Corvus get stuck with Turning, which is like a Horizontal Reverse Cowboy: Corvus, his face at Sahari's feet, must vaginally penetrate her while all she gets is a view of ass.

There are certainly a few positions here that might qualify as porny sport sex—The Hanging Bow looks like an accident waiting to happen, with Michael Vegas holding the juicy Lea Lexis like a wheelbarrow while she balances on her hands—but there's no Piledriver, that Evil Angel staple where the man squats like a stinging spider above an ass-in-the-air fly. More work than fun, that position.

While Ms. Van Kirk's exhortation to "Come, Bliss awaits" falls flat, and while it was sad that these poor dudes didn't get to finish (much less their partners—unless, I'm hoping, they got to do it off camera), this was a worthwhile guide.

I think the Facial Cumshot should be called Ropey Volley Across the Sky, by the way. What do you think, Fleshbot Readers? Can you think of better names for these positions than those hoary chestnuts or porny filthitudes?

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