“Chicks And Guns” Should Have Been Stopped By A Well-Regulated Militia

Is there a measure touching the Second Amendment on the ballot in your community? Well, I'm not sure the NRA is coming to Porn Valley for spokespeople any time soon.

Each of the five women in this movie starts her scene saying something improvised and absolutely fucking ridiculous with some kind of unloaded paintball gun or assault rifle (I don't know, and I am also angry with the movie for not identifying the weapons) in her hands before discarding it and fucking someone like it was any other porn movie.

For example:

• "I like to stroke big, hard, round things. What about you guys?"—Kendall Karson, missing the point
• "So much power. Right in my hands. I'm feeling really really wet. Ram that stock right up my holes. Maybe hold me hostage. There's nothing like holding a big gun right in your hands. Maybe that's what I need right now."—Nicki Hunter
• "I'm crazy girl. My boyfriend is really into the guns. So now he going to show it to me, his big gun. It has my pussy wet. I can't wait to see it at home." —Eva Karera
• "I love how hard and tough guns are. I love to fucking stroke it. Enjoy it in between my legs. So good." —Eva Angelina

Nicki Hunter sells it as much as possible and Eva Angelina clearly has experience handling a weapon, but that doesn't mean this premise wasn't utterly wasted on this movie. I mean, Hunter and Angelina are up for anything—would it have killed anyone to actually stick the barrel up there?

As it is, director Miles Long perpetrates an injustice on porn consumers. If you're trying to appeal to gun enthusiasts, why set these women up to fail? 60 percent of the cast looks like it has no interest or experience with firearms whatsoever. Just like feet and latex, guns are a fetish; sticking a weapon in the hands of these women and then asking them to make something up just doesn't work.

This exact movie would achieve instant cult status if the gun sequences had been replaced by women holding potted plants, or tennis balls, or Cuisinarts, or standing next to tractors. At least then the ridiculous dialogue would be in context.

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