The Encyclopedia Of Smut: The Inanimate Object Lust Appendix

How human are your sex toys? Does your dildo look like a veiny dick, does your masturbation sleeve have delicate labia, and what do these details do for you physically and psychologically? Today, we're going to take a trip down into the uncanny valley and think about why some inanimate objects are more fuckable than others.

It's Tool Time

Let's start with dildos and masturbation sleeves. These toys are, on a basic level, disembodied sexual organs that sit there while you do all the work. They vibrate, they get warmed by your touch, and they come in varying degrees of "realness" depending on material and model, but they're ultimately lifeless and the only time they give off any noticeable presence is when someone walks in and finds you banging them. In terms of position in the uncanny valley, dildos and sleeves probably rest near stuffed animals because they're not necessarily trying to recreate the experience of being with a real person.

We believe that this freedom from reality is actually a boon for basic sex toys because it allows them to focus on utility instead of authenticity--they're not recreating sex, they're enhancing masturbation (or even enhancing sex). Why should we settle for fake versions of the equipment we're born with when we can make enormous dildos that are larger than Mandingo's dick, tiny vibrators that focus all their energy on your clit, and sleeves that feature crazy spiral patterns never seen inside any vagina?

[Above: Jennifer White doesn't care for real phalluses because she has "My Gigantic Toys 9"]

Screwing Yourself Is Hard Work

Part of the reason that realism matters so much to sex toys is because it can be a little disheartening to look down and see yourself attached to a piece of plastic. We're not saying it's anything to be ashamed of, but you're more likely to masturbate to the fantasy of humping another human than a sex toy, and no matter how long you sit on your arm to make it fall asleep before jamming a cyberskin pussy on your junk, part of you will always be aware of your solo status. It's why you can't tickle yourself. So, we invent toys that have do the work for us while we lie back and take it.

We're thinking of Fucking Machines and the RealTouch toy in particular. Even though one is essentially a dildo on a piston and the other is a conveyor belt/masturbation sleeve synched with porn, they both give users a hands-free experience, and that little bit of freedom greatly amplifies the realness.

Said realness pushes these types of toys further down into the uncanny valley, but not in a bad way. On the one hand, there's something a bit eerie about these efficient mechanical processes that coldly jerk back and forth (ever unable to perfectly recreate the curved pelvic thrusts or back-arching humps of another), but on the other hand, you're at the mercy of a machine that never tires; being ruthlessly fucked by an automaton can give you a great BDSM-style thrill, and it'll also help you come to terms with the inevitable world domination of Skynet.

[Above: We just hope that the robots have the decency to give us "Fucking Machines: Bound And Machined}]

Made In Your Image

And then there are the sex toys that are designed to look and be treated like actual people: blow-up dolls, RealDolls, that one semi-sentient Roxxxy TrueCompanion, and even dakimakura (the Japanese "hugging pillows" with pictures of animated women on them) are both fuckable and relatable. Even a cheap blow-up doll with a flat face and a creepy stare has some human essence to it, because you're not just using one plastic hole, you're also negotiating a body-shaped mass with cumbersome limbs. On a somewhat different note, we've always been struck by the fact that in order to use a blow-up doll, you must literally breathe life into it.

Although this whole post has been structured on the idea that people want to fuck sex toys of increasing humanness, there are a lot of people who simply want to screw robots. Robot fetishism (also known as ASFR or technosexuality) is commonly thought of as the desire to have a relationship with a fully-functioning humanoid automaton made only for your pleasure, but the term also encompasses the attraction to those who have been turned into androids or cyborgs (whether the transformation happens to the fetishist, their partner, or both). Since most of these desires require technologies only seen in science fiction, RealDolls and other such toys are usually the best items for realization of this fetish.

It may seem like such doll lust is the product of our hyperactive sex industry, but robot fetishism actually relates back to an old paraphilia called agalmatophilia, and the first recorded case comes from Kraft-Ebbing in 1877 when a gardener fell in love with a statue of Venus de Milo and was discovered trying to bang it. If you think that sounds weird, let's not forget the myth of Pygmalion, the sculptor who carved a statue of Galatea and fell in love with it. Sure, the statue comes to life in that story, but if it hadn't, we bet Pygmalion would've been marketing his own line of RealGoddesses around Greece.

[Above: photo via RealDollSex (realdollsex.com). All videos courtesy of AEBN Porn Pay Per View Network and Video On Demand (theater.aebn.net)]

[At top: Lexi Bloom is about to ride one of those fancy Fucking Machines (fuckingmachines.com)]