No Evidence That These Are “Virgin Brides”

Let's be reasonable. Just as turning 28 doesn't make one a MILF, renting a wedding dress and dialing the lights a little brighter doesn't turn one into a "Virgin Bride." Discerning porn consumers don't need blood on the sheets, but how about a little surprise when the schlong goes in?

The scene between the delightful Alyssa Branch and the likely Will Powers begins credibly enough. She is showing a lot of leg at the wedding reception, and he is clearly her 10+-years-older webmaster/sugar daddy. Carrying her across the threshold of their Porn Valley rental, he plops her on the couch and begins eating her out of her dress.

All of this stuff I believe. In fact, I've been to at least three weddings just like this.

But God Damn It, so few of us knows anyone under the age of 50 who was a virgin at marriage, that at least the cast and filmmakers of "Virgin Brides" can take a swipe at some History Channel verisimilitude.

Maybe Will Powers could have missed the hole a couple of times. Maybe he could have chased her around the bed. Maybe she could have stalled by spending too long on the phone with her mom (I'm thinking Lisa Ann), and Will Powers could have gently taken the phone from her hand and fucked her with it.

Instead, the only difference between this movie and any other "Barely Legal"-type flick is that the dudes wore suits and the ladies wore wedding dresses—likely the same one.

"Virgin Brides" (and if there was ever a title that used its quoatations ironically, it's this one) also stars Maia Davis, Trinity St. Clair, and Giselle Leon.

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