Bike Smut: I Want To Ride My Bicycle

[youtube MNS1rqv35oI 628 353]
Truth time: I don't actually know how to ride a bike. Well, I'm learning. I was a willful child and I thought rollerblading would be cool forever, but what did I know? I didn't know that bikes would be such a big deal for the urban navigation of a carless twenty-something and certainly didn't know that they could be sexy. Traveling erotic film festival Bike Smut shows how playful, sensual and hot bike culture can be with their latest offering, "Turning Trixxx."

My date for the evening is currently teaching me how to ride a bike, so he's all about cyclist culture, but not so much about the porn. Clearly I'm just the opposite. Apparently we adhere to the standard audience profile, which skews about half cyclists and half pervs, according to Rev. Phil and Poppy Cox, event organizers and our fabulous emcees for the evening. Bike aficionados learn that there's great porn out there to be found and the porn enthusiasts are inspired to get out there and pedal around. They've even taught a few people to ride while on tour with Bike Smut. Along with their impressive burlesque opening/closing acts and their awesome performance in their own film (more on that later), they're the consummate hosts.

The festival itself consisted of 12 films, varying from a quirky biking upskirts to extremely creative usage of everything from bike pumps to the wheels themselves. There was a healthy mix of unknowns to works by indie porn darlings like Courtney Trouble and Madison Young. It was definitely the kind of level playing field that made everyone feel like they could be included and have their own view of bike love and sexuality up on the screen.

The evening started out right with a great story of bike-sexual sluts out on the town in Slut <3 Bike <3 Love from a loveable Denmark girl gang. It was both edgy and sweetly flirtatious, replete with teasing and the sense of adventure that you associate with just getting on your bike and going. Another notable film by a lesser-known producer was Jessie Sparkles' awesome and very sexy exploration of bike maintenance with the help of The Bike Wizard. The Bike Wizard is both an 80s workout gear-clad repairman and a magic realism rhetorical device to help people get it on with bike tubes, lube, chains… It certainly gave me some ideas. This is probably some of the best writing I've ever seen in porn, period, plus a ton of adventurous switchy queer sex. I know it's a short, but 10 minutes was not enough. This needs a sequel!

Out of the more seasoned pornographers, Courtney Trouble represented heavily by performing in Ride and Kiss with Bianca Stone, directed by Arabelle Raphael and then also directing Come Find Me, featuring Rev. Phil and Poppy Cox of Bike Smut fame. The former was a nasty head-on collision turned convenient bath come fuck session to wash away all that grease. It's charming and irreverent, but just as hot as anything you'd expect from these queer porn icons. The latter is surprisingly sweet and poignant, chronicling a romantic and sexy bike-driven scavenger hunt which leads to really hot sex. It's just a portion of a longer film set to be released through indiepornrevolution.com, and I'll definitely be buying it when it's out, because this was just the kind of tease I needed.

Even pieces where bikes were more inconsequential to the plot, such as Madison Young's scene from Fixed Gears and Fast Girls, were delightful purely based on pornographic merit. And, you see, Maggie Mayhem fucks Juliette March, who is playing the bike courier delivering sperm for her insemination, so it still fits… Right? Regardless, I was amused, then aroused and I saw a bike in there somewhere.

The cinematic ode to smutty cycling ended in an extremely literal way with Bike Maintenance, a German solo film about a man and his bicycle. Never have I cringed so much out of concern for someone else's junk. He was certainly thorough, managing to use every hinge, spoke and wheel on that bike. Although there were some audible moments of audience discomfort when he used the rapidly rotating pedals for a very unique brand of testicular stimulation, we erupted in cheers when he came, so it was all worth it. Also: now I've seen everything.

Bike Smut is a great primer on indie porn, a great incentive to get on your bike and one of the funniest, sexiest nights I've had in recent memory. They'll be touring all over and you can keep up with them, plus find out how to submit your own bicycle porn, at BikeSmut.com.

· See when Bike Smut is coming to your hometown (bikesmut.com)