Save A Turkey: Have An “Ass Cream Sandwich”

Ferrera Gomez looks lovely on the cover of this DVD, and that's all that matters. We shouldn't dwell on the fact that the movie is called "Ass Cream Sandwiches" or "Ovulating Latinas" or whatnot, right?

Looking deceptively plump on the cover, Gomez begins her tease sequence in a bikini, performing a little dance that shows off her bones. We think: We don't yet know what "ass cream" is, but will Gomez's tiny, birdlike frame support it?

We wait until the clothes come off.

All right, we say. Yes, that is a great ass. But haven't we become conditioned to the idea that "cream" implies dairy, dairy implies cows, and therefore the ass cream should be supplied by someone physically more substantial? Still, we haven't yet found out what "ass cream" is.

Her friend arrives to put a dildo up Gomez. Maybe that will yield this storied ass cream. She fingers herself with long manicured nails. We wince at the danger.

He mounts her anally, meaning that he puts his penis in her anus, rather than he is fastidious and controlling in his mounting. It is then I realize that this movie is about anal creampies. He is going to come in her anus, pull out slightly, and we will watch the semen drip from the hole.

Great.

It's not that I think there is a conspiracy perpetrated by agents who pre-place semen in porn performers; I believe he actually came there. And it's not like I don't appreciate money shots as proof that performers really love each other.

But we all know that a money shot happens because the face and the neck are easier places to clean than the rug or the sheet. Cream pies are different.

The display of the semen afterwards in movies like these grosses me out a little, like I'm sitting across a cafeteria table from someone who's showing me his or her chewed food.

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· Buy "Ass Cream Sandwich" (tlavideo.com)