So What Do You Get For A $60 Japanese Porn DVD?

Well, a whole freakin' eyeful, that's for sure. Yes, this is one of the more hardcore things my (hardly) innocent young eyes have beheld. Known to me only as CMC_109, there's a whole world of dank and dirty smut in this particular file. Pig-faced bondage! Slave maids in closets! Operatic sensual food-eating! Forced massive enemas! I don't know whether to feel aroused or exhausted.

I'll first give this whole pornventure a little context. I recently went on a trip to Japan, and on my first night ventured into a bit of a red light district where I found an adult store. After perusing a bit, I tried to find the freakiest-looking DVD I could find (although I was a little underimpressed with the cover stories, I must say). Anyway, I wasn't yet familiar with the transfer rate between dollars and yen, so easily plopped down ¥4800. The store clerk was very grateful and thanked me profusely, which I believed would be true of most everyone in Japan (it was). After I left the store and whipped out my trusty transfer rate app, I found that I'd just dropped $56.87 on one porn. Ah, well. Learning. But I digress. I think the best way to venture through the ominous CMC_109 is to just go along through the plot together. Which also happens to take place around Christmastime! How appropriate. Let's commence, shall we?

From what I can gather through subtext, the film centers on a maid and chef who work in a hotel. It opens with a phone call between the chef and a hotel guest, who is later found to have a bound-up Japanese babe face-down, ass-up upon his bed. The chef proceeds to show the maid something on his phone (perhaps the caller's name?) which then prompts her to go to the bathroom to cry/masturbate. A propensity we've all felt at one time or another, I'm sure. As she's carrying on, the chef sneaks his phone between some slats in the door to snap a picture of the weepy/fingerbangy handmaiden.

After she emerges, he informs her that he knows what she's been doing and shows her the picture. Obviously, he then gets out the pink intrapanty dildo he carries around and forces her to wear it beneath her maidgown. She then has to carry on her room service and other duties while being buzzed by that naughty chef.

[jwplayer id="7093617"]

Then we're taken back to the hotel guests, who are still positioned with the lady trussed up on the bed, while the dude walks with purpose through the room. To fetch his giant water bowl and enema syringe, of course. That looks somewhat like this:

And, I was sort of still on board at this point -- but what goes up an ass, one should presume, must come down again. It looks like glass bowls are aplenty round these parts, and so after his lady climbs upon a table, she squats over a fresh one and proceeds to release torrents of shit-laden enema water into it. And this is where my oddly extant boner died. Quickly.

Hey, my feelings exactly, friends! How strange is it that any genital must be blurred, yet it's perfectly acceptable to show an asshole getting pumped full of water and then close-up crapping it back out?

Nevertheless, after this asstastic debacle, our maid returns to the kitchen where the chef allows her to remove her undie-dildo in exchange for binding her to a chair and bringing out some freaky noseclips that render her into a little bit of a piglet. (This image actually emblazons the cover and actually is one of the reasons I chose it as "super freaky".)

[jwplayer id="7093618"]

And while she's up there, because this is the good ol' Enema Inn, the chef gets out his own ass-water gear and sets her up. And this turdwater bowl debacle happens again, but this time while he's dripping copious amounts of candlewax all over her body. The film moves from a shitwater/candlewax soaked anus to glorious feasting by the guests.

I've actually seen insanely sensual food-eating in non-porn Japanese films, and I suppose there is an undeniable connection between indulging in various sensual delights. Yet, it's still odd. Odd still. Primarily because my appetite had been evacuated by the proceedings of the last scene. On its own, though, not a bad vignette.

[jwplayer id="7093619"]

This slightly maniacal feasting gives way to our maiden hero, again trussed up on the table, but this time she's acting as a serving platter for some whipped cream and fresh fruits. What a doll! After the chef and the guests lay waste to her spoils, I caught one of the few Japanese phrases I do know: Oy shi katta! Which translates to "That was delicious". Indeed!

[jwplayer id="7093620"]

And because everything winds back onto itself, candlewax makes its way back into the scene. The maid has gotten all cleaned up and has fallen asleep upon the table. While they drip wax devilishly close to her, and then wish each other Merry Christmas.

[jwplayer id="7093621"]

Although this could be a joyful ending, complete with a good night to all and to all a good night, we just know it can't be the end. Our sleeping maid has apparently done wrong again, and gets fettered yet again, this time with a delicate mouth-contraption that she can use to hold mini glasses of the chef's beer. How droll! When she keeps dropping it, chef gets very angry, but it must be hard to keep things afloat when getting vigorously whipped. I feel ya, girl.

But of course she's gotta be punished for her gross misdeeds. Next time we find our lady, she's crouched in a closet. And finally -- finally! -- we see some "action". If you can believe it, all this commotion has carried us through the first hour of this 90 minute porn, and there's been no sex of oral, vaginal, or anal varieties. Well, that's about to change, because she's in perfect position to take on that angry ween of his.

And now, finally, we've earned some blurry P-in-V passion. Of sorts. She sort of weepily rides his dick, then is pushed to the ground where he missionary-bangs her. Next is the blazing, glorious cumshot! Hey, we've earned it!

[jwplayer id="7093622"]

Oh, actually, it's the tiniest li'l load we've ever seen. That's cool, though. We just swam through turd-hampered water and pignoses and closeup maw chewing, and we're rewarded with a teensy little splash that spans a quarter boob. Oh well.

But friends, we've made it to the denouement. It looks like the chef and maid have worked out a nice little dealski where food, bondage, and degradation all combine! The very last moment finds her burying her cream-crusted mouth (because naturally she was eating fruits 'n' cream outta her bowl) into the pantsed crotch of the chef. A happy family portrait if we've ever seen one.

And we have this gentleman to thank for it all:

Only "kai". So, thanks dude! Now we sort of want to cry and masturbate as well. And wonder what other crazy shit lies behind the curtains an American chick in a Tokyo smut store couldn't even hope to see...