The Fast Track To Butt Crack Is “Jack Attack 2”

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Well how about this? A Digital Playground film with no plot! It sure has been a while since we've seen one of these, and we have to admit that we feel a little lost without some drama guiding us through the forest of gams. We guess we'll have to invent our own scenes for everybody. It shouldn't be too hard with all the cowboy gear they're sporting.

We figure Digital Playground had a bunch of extra cowboy costumes lying around, and they probably had the use of that cabin (from "The Shortcut" and "Disconnected") for a while, so it made sense to get some pornstars out there for a healthy bout of frivolous fucking. These Jack-centric movies generally have to do with ladies trying to leave an impression on Jack (Robby D.) and his camera, so there is some story, but not enough for our soap opera-raised hearts.

Where do we begin? Alphabetically with Bailey Blue! In this scene, we've decided, Barry Scott is trying to train Bailey Blue to play some good ol' ragtime songs on the upright piano to give their bar the saloon feel it desperately calls for, but despite her chaps and cowboy hat, Bailey can't get into the rolling and jangly mood the music requires. In Barry's mind, the only way to evoke ragtime feelings is to treat Bailey like a ragdoll, so he picks her up in his strong arms, bends her over the piano, and pounds her pussy from behind. Bailey keeps a hand on the ivories at all times, half to give her balance and half to mentally tie her hard fucking with the cool smooth keys so that Barry's banging doesn't go to waste. Eventually they realize that patrons would rather watch them fuck than listen to piano music. Everybody listens to dubstep these days anyway (see: the trailer above).

Meanwhile, Bill Bailey is outside on the porch trying to get a good ping out of the spittoon. He doesn't chew tobacco (his mouth is a temple and his tongue is only for licking anus) so he can't get a good clang out of the cuspidor, and he turns to cowgirl Capri Cavalli for help. It's a dry day in the mountains and their mouths are parched, but Capri knows a quick way to dredge up some gushy stuff: deepthroating! By the time she gets a mouthful of spit and mucus, she forgets what it's for and uses it all getting her pussy wet for Bill's cock. Bill still remembers his goal, but he too gets distracted when he puts his tongue to work on Capri's twat. We don't know who's to blame for the lack of focus--Double B or Shorts Sunglasses--but we get the feeling that this bar doesn't rake in the business.

Selena Rose has two scenes in this film, one of which is in cowboy attire in the bar, the other having something to do with cops. She and her partner (whom we can't identify, sorry) must be sneaking off to the woods to have a quick fuck, but like all fucks, they screw longer than they anticipated. Meanwhile, their squad car radio is going off about shootings in the city and an arsonist escaping from custody to burn down entire blocks, but Selena is splayed out on the hood of the car getting her pussy filled with cop cock as she sizzles like an egg on the griddle. For no reason other than cuteness, Selena keeps her socks on. Allegedly, people who keep their socks on during sex enjoy sex more! We read that in a science magazine.

We're probably incredibly wrong about the events that take place in "Jack Attack 2," but when it comes to porn plots, there is no right answer.

· Photos and trailer courtesy of Digital Playground (digitalplayground.com)
· Buy "Jack Attack 2" (store.fleshbot.com)