“Erotic Massage Stories 2”: Mutually Assured Rubbing (Is Exhausting)

On the one hand, we've always appreciated this sort of storyline in which the hardworking masseuse gets rewarded for their tension unlocking skills with a hearty fuck because tipping is such an awkward transaction. On the other hand, we refuse to believe these ladies want to hop off the table and flex their hips after being so perfectly relaxed.

Just once, we want to see a massage porn scene in which the person being lovingly rubbed passes out on the table--perhaps with their face smushed in that little holder thing--and then the masseuse goes through their wallet, takes out a twenty, puts on Enya, and lets them nap.

None of the scenes in "Erotic Massage Stories 2" make our dream come true, but that's only because we have unrealistic dreams which are, frankly, nothing more than pornographic nihilism.

But hey, let's talk about Lily Love! Danny Mountain doesn't just give her a rubdown, he tries to remake her in his image: look at this Ass Mountain. We're not sure how skilled of a masseuse Danny is, but it doesn't take a degree to know how to oil up some genitals, and all that really matters is that Lily gets in the mood. With that in mind, we'll excuse (nay, even celebrate) the inclusion of a Liberator pillow in the scene. Is this the sort of thing all erotic massage artists have, or is Danny cutting corners? If Danny won't put up a big effort, at least Lily will: she arches her back in ways that will surely undo all of the spine soothing work Danny did.

Actually, we worry that a lot of the clients in this film are being cheated out of a good muscle-rejuvenating massage. Who is the evil chiropractor that told Madison Ivy she should be getting fucked like this? And the hair pulling? Well, maybe that's fine; the scalp needs to be stimulated, too.

And on an unrelated note, Madison Ivy's masseuse (whom we can't identify from the pics) and Natalia Starr both have Arabic tattoos above their genitals and we think it's a crime they didn't bang each other in this film. What if they press them together and some Dan Brown-type shit happens?

That's what we came here for people. We only watch movies like "Erotic Massage Stories 2" for Dan Brown-type shit.

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