“The Best Female Orgasms” Makes Us Judgmental Of Lady Jizz

We always assumed that every orgasm--from moment to moment and person to person--is uniquely beautiful and deserving of awe, but now that's all over. New Sensations assigned a value scale to the female orgasm so you better hope to high heavens that you rank well. Future employers will see your score.

We figure the orgasm exam is part of the SAT and "The Best Female Orgasms" is the unofficial Princeton Review book designed to help prepare you for the test. (These comparisons come to you courtesy of the fresh school year. Good luck, students!) It's a compilation film, and though we rarely preview those, we figured we could learn something useful from these pics.

Unfortunately, all of the pictures only show intercourse during which the female performer is making an expressive face. "But Fleshbot, isn't it possible--and more common--for women to orgasm from non-penetrative sexual activity?" No, that is incorrect. Everybody knows that real babes come when you bang them real hard with a penis that is at least the girth of a burrito. Behold: the only decent way for a young woman to experience sexual ecstasy.

Though the road to "The Best Female Orgasms" is steep and stamina-draining, there are a few nifty tricks for getting a high-quality climax. Socks often prove useful, so science tells us, for enhancing sexual enjoyment. Ami Emerson shows us how it's done with her sassy socks and furrowed brow (probs furrowed with orgasmness), and Jessie Jordan takes it a step higher with her knee-high number. Note that Jessie's orgasm will be even better than Ami's because her plaid skirt nearly matches her boytoy's plaid boxers.

If you want to score well with your orgasm, you have to go beyond pleasure. Don't be afraid to grimace and cower! Look at Riley Reid for example: if we didn't know any better, we'd say she's having a terrible time being pressed up against the lockers and fucked ruthlessly. It just so happens that Riley has a very serious and whimpering kind of sex face, but it illustrates our point well enough. Sometimes you have to look like you're lost and about to fall apart right in front of the patriarchy and all his friends during their annual "Fuck Bitches" garden party.

The good news is that since "The Best Female Orgasms" is so new, most universities won't look at your coming-scores as part of the admissions process. The bad news is that you'd obviously have a better time at a school that does look at your coming-score.

· New Sensations (newsensations.com)
· Buy "The Best Female Orgasms" (store.fleshbot.com)