I Don’t Care What Science Says: There’s Way More than Two Kinds of Female Orgasm

- by Coleen and Dan Singer at sssh.com

According to a post published this week on Discover's Seriously, Science? blog, new research proves that there are two different kinds of female orgasm, one associated with clitoral stimulation, the other stemming from penetration.

Apparently, there has been some manner of ongoing debate about whether these orgasmic types are actually different, or if penetration-based orgasms are a result of the clitoris being stimulated, just in a different way than by direct clitoral stimulation. This must have been a debate that didn't include input from too many women, because I think we ladies know the real answer: There are many different types of orgasm – including, crucially, fake ones.

My research isn't exactly what you'd call ‘scientific,' as it really only involves me, the occasional vibrator, a bit of me-time, and the well-intentioned fumbling of my unwitting research assistant, a heterosexual male of average intelligence and penis size, a man who is also occasionally referred to as "my husband." [Hubby Dan waves enthusiastically at you, readers!]

I know there must be many other types of orgasm, but just over course of our years-long experiment alone, my research assistant has personally witnessed at least six different types of orgasm that I experience regularly:

1. Orgasms that result from clitoral stimulation (generally not based on anything he has done with his tongue, because he's just fucking selfish and lame like that). [Hubby Dan says, "HEY! I resemble that remark, Coleen!]
2. Orgasms of the (very rare) sort that stem from him penetrating me, with or without basketball being on the TV at the time
3. Orgasms that flow from watching famous people who I don't particularly like as they make utter fools of themselves on national television (Presidential debates, in particular, tend to result in five-alarm shuddering and convulsing)
4. Commerce-derived orgasms that I generally only experience while perusing the clearance rack at Nordstrom-affiliated outlet stores
5. The sublime quivers I get from eating an especially rich piece of cake. (My apologies yet again, Cheesecake Factory; I truly didn't intend to scare off the old people in the next booth over with my castrato squealing and admittedly disturbing facial expressions….)
6. The orgasms I (very convincingly, I hope) fake in order to prevent unnecessary minutes of being squished beneath my research assistant's significant weight, as he mindlessly thrusts away in pursuit of his own release. [Dan adds, "Too Much Information, Coleen!!!!"]

Meg Ryan Shows Us How It's Done! (from "When Harry Met Sally")

Truth be told, I'm pretty sure my assistant knows when I'm faking an orgasm; he just doesn't mind, because he knows that despite my deception, I'll always dutifully evoke an orgasm from him before we call it quits for the night – come hell, high water, extremely sore jaws and/or forearms.

At any rate, as much as think I might enjoy being a test subject for a study on female orgasms, with my luck I'd end up in the "control" group, those unfortunates who receive placebo stimulation just to see if they will fake an orgasm in order to satisfy the researchers running the study. That's something I would never do – unless, of course, the researchers had already promised to take me out for a serious four star Italian dinner when the experimental session is over for the day, in which case I might start biting my lip and panting before they even hooked up the electrodes.

I'm all for science, and if there's one area in which I believe we need to invest more money, time and active body parts, it's the study of female pleasure. It's just that we need to expand the inquiry beyond clit-rubbing and vag-probing if we're ever going to truly understand female orgasms. We also need to account for differences; after all, I've known women who cum at the drop of a hat, so long as the hat falls correctly on their clitoris, but who you could also fuck all day and accomplish nothing but boring them. On the other hand (hehe, see what I did there?) I've known women who climax very reliably from penetration in certain positions, and not at all from other positions.

Personally, I'm flexible and I can orgasm reliably from either clitoral stimulation or penetration…. but my research assistant is always careful to have a damn good slice of cake handy when sexy time rolls around, just in case.

Coleen Singer is a writer, photographer, film editor and all-around geeky gal at Sssh.com, where she often waxes eloquent about sex, porn, sex toys, censorship, the literary and pandering evils of Fifty Shades of Grey and other topics not likely to be found on the Pulitzer Prize shortlist. She is also the editor and curator of EroticScribes.com. When she is not doing all of the above, Singer is an amateur stock-car racer and enjoys modifying vintage 1970s cars for the racetrack. Oh, she also likes porn.

Dan Singer has very little to do with porn other than watching it.  He does enjoy it when his kinky wife draws him in to watch it with him, try out sex toys, and just be generally helpful.  Dan is an antique wooden boat restoration carpenter.  How sexy is that?

Visit Coleen and Dan at Sssh.com for more sex news, commentary and entertainment for women and couples!