Final Foreplay: UGA Sex Rules for Men’s Basketball Team Won’t Help Them Land the Next All-Star

April 3, 2014
COLEEN-AND-DAN-SINGER

- Coleen Singer at Sssh.com

Back in the mid-80s, I went on a trip with my high school journalism class that was pretty forgettable, other than the fact that we stayed for one night at the same hotel as the Seattle Supersonics basketball team (the franchise now known as the Oklahoma City Thunder), the taller members of which were quite a sight as they strolled around the lobby, towering over the rest of humanity like they had stilts on beneath those fashion-tragedy 1980's sweatpants.

At one point, I ended up in an elevator with a classmate named Carrie and two Supersonics, a pair of the tallest human beings I've ever seen. While I was the very picture of the awkward teen nerdette, Carrie was one of those girls who looked like a college senior by the time she was a high school freshman. Needless to say, Carrie immediately drew the attention of the NBA-ers, who took advantage of their absurd stature to indulge in what had to have been one of the more obvious and extended leer-down-the-blouse sessions in history. After a couple of creepy warm-up questions, the more observant of the two players asked Carrie the inevitable: "How old are you?"

Carrie had barely managed to get the ‘fif' part of "fifteen" out of her mouth before both the overpaid pituitary cases started hammering on the button for the next floor, seeking a quick escape from that "OOHHH SHIT!" feeling that attends the accidental hitting-on of jail bait.

When we relayed the details of the elevator encounter to Mr. Valdez, the poor sucker who was stuck serving as journalism teacher, chaperone, urban sherpa and adolescent-wrangler all in one, he shook his head and told us to listen very carefully, then laid it out for us in plain English: "Girls, you got to stay away from those guys; professional athletes are the horniest guys on earth – and they aren't used to hearing the word no!"

Wilt The Stilt Chamberlain

This was years before Wilt Chamberlin raised eyebrows with his (rather dubious) claim that he'd slept with over 20,000 women in his life, and decades before Tiger Woods got chased around by an outraged, nine-iron-wielding Swede over his various indiscretions, but even back then, Mr. Valdez's words rang true – in part because they made sense, intuitively. Why wouldn't male athletes, people so full of testosterone that it occasionally can be seen oozing out from their pores, try to fuck everything that moves?

All of this comes to mind as I read about the recently-exposed rules of conduct that the University of Georgia has set down for members of its men's basketball program, a curious mix of "Common Sense" and "Seriously, Dude?"

On the one hand, there's the observation that "you don't own your girlfriend," which seems like a pretty obvious statement, until you consider that scouting and recruiting college athletes is a truly global affair these days. As such, that rule could actually cause some confusion among recruits from certain Middle-Eastern, African and Central-Asian countries, where local tradition has a different take on the whole women-as-property question, let's just say. Even so, while it's a bit sad that the UGA powers-that-be find it necessary to point this fact out, it's hard to argue with the sentiment – at least from the perspective of an American woman.

A bit stranger is the importuning to "stay out of gray areas," the second part of which reads "Orgies and gang bangs are inappropriate." This rule is harder to parse the logic of, absent some context as to what is meant by a "gray area." Are university officials worried that their hoop stars are going to start cruising nursing homes and senior centers looking for some group sex action? On the one hand this seems unlikely, but on the other hand, Lebron James' mom did fuck one of his teammates, evidently, so is that far-fetched to think that a Georgia baller might give his coach's mom (or grandma) a whirl?

The rule that is most detrimental to the future of the Georgia basketball program, however, is this one: "One. Not two or three girlfriends…." As they might say on ESPN: Aww, c'mon man!

These are young men we're talking about here, a good 60% of whom probably started playing sports in the first place in the hopes that doing so would help them get laid. If these guys get the chance to hook up with the entire female population of English 101, they aren't going to give that rule a second thought, they're just going to line ‘em up and bed ‘em down – and rightfully so, because everybody knows that's just how real basket-ballers do it.

Say what you want about Wilt Chamberlin's sexual habits, forthrightness or ability to do math, one thing you can't deny is that he was one hell of a center, arguably the best ever to lace up a pair of Converse high-tops. And while Magic probably wishes, in retrospect, that he'd been more selective about where he put his Johnson, his Back-in-the-Day sexual conquests are nearly as well-known as Wilt's. By taking a stand against polyamory among its basketball players, UGA is asking players to ignore not only their own libidos, but to ignore history, as well. I mean, at this point, isn't there enough anecdotal evidence to at least ask whether promiscuity might actually help one's rebounding, and possibly one's ball-handling, as well?

The good news for prospective Georgia Bulldogs is that there's no shortage of schools out there who don't give a damn who they fuck or how many they fuck at once. You know, places like the University of North Carolina, where they still have their academic and sporting priorities straight, for fuck's sake!

About Coleen Singer
Coleen Singer is a writer, photographer, film editor and all-around geeky gal at Sssh.com, where she often waxes eloquent about sex, porn, sex toys, censorship, the literary and pandering evils of Fifty Shades of Grey and other topics not likely to be found on the Pulitzer Prize shortlist. She is also the editor and curator of EroticScribes.com. When she is not doing all of the above, Singer is an amateur stock-car racer and enjoys modifying vintage 1970s cars for the racetrack. Oh, she also likes porn.