Celebrity Sex Tapes I’d Like to See!

April 25, 2014
COLEEN-AND-DAN-SINGER

by Coleen Singer at Sssh.com

Every once in a while, I'll stumble upon a discussion thread or a survey that asks some version of the question "Which celebrities would you like to see in a sex tape?"

Depending on whether it's a multiple choice selection or a fill-in deal, the responses to these questions usually are about what you'd expect; lots of votes for Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, lots of votes for Kate Upton and anybody else, and no votes at all for any combination involving Gary Busey.

My own inclination where potential celeb sex tapes are concerned runs in a different direction; I'm less interested in watching the ‘beautiful people' fuck than I am in watching compelling combinations of erotically-entwined celebrities. Below is a short wish list, along with my rationale for wanting to watch these particular famous folks do the horizontal mambo.

William H. Macy and Frances McDormand

While the last thing I'd want is to break up what appears to be a solid and lasting Hollywood marriage like the one enjoyed by Bill Macy and Felicity Huffman, to me this pairing would be the ultimate "everyman" sex tape, while having the added benefit of reigniting the onscreen tension found in the Fargo scenes that featured these fine actors. On the other hand, if Macy's actual psyche is anything like that of the characters he plays, this pairing might implode in a neuroses-inspired panic before Frances has even removed her blouse….

Ron Perlman and Selma Blair

Another proposed reunion of an onscreen pair, this one only really works for me if Ron wears his Hellboy costume and makeup for the occasion. Among other things, I'm eager to see which hand he fingers Selma with, and whether anything spontaneously catches on fire when she climaxes.

Rob Ford and Marion Barry

This crack team of mayoral studs would assuredly crank up the viewing audience by delivering a truly smokin' performance. What's that you say? It wouldn't work because they're both straight men? No problem; just pay them in crack rocks, and issue their first dozen or so payments before the tape is recorded, then cut off their supply and tell them the only way they get to suck on the glass cock again is to first suck on a real one!

Mariska Hargitay and Chris Noth

This one I envision as less of the typical celeb tape and more of a ‘hardcore reboot' of two cherished TV cop dramas. Fans of the original Law and Order often complain about the way the show was ignominiously booted from the airwaves, leaving Hargitay's SVU the lone L&O franchise still standing, and about the resulting lack of closure with respect to the story arc of the original show, as well. What better way to bring it all to a rousing (and literal) climax than having Noth's emotionally volatile Mike Logan character throw a good fuck into Hargitay's Detective Olivia Benson? Once the deed was done, they could both experience immediate and profound regret, inspiring them to go on killing sprees in their respective police precincts, during which they would bust a fatal cap into the ass of every major character on the "Order" side of the title, resulting in lots of special in-court interaction with their former friends on the "Law" side. True, it might be hard to find a broadcast network willing to run an explicit sex scene, but one look at your local cable schedule will reveal that the USA Network exists solely to air SVU reruns, so maybe the series' finale could be slipped into the USA programming mix without the networks' Standards and Practices people even noticing.

There are many other celeb combos I'd like to see, of course, including at least two that do involve Gary Busey (you can't tell me that Gary banging the living hell out of Mila Kunis wouldn't be scorching hot, albeit in a profoundly disturbing and sympathy-inducing way), unbridled CSI and NCIS cast crossover-fucking and various pairings involving TV shows that were briefly popular in the 70s – like Lou "The Hulk" Ferrigno doing Lynda "Wonder Woman" Carter in a sex tape that would unify the Marvel and DC Comics universes!

About Coleen Singer
Coleen Singer is a writer, photographer, film editor and all-around geeky gal at Sssh.com, where she often waxes eloquent about sex, porn, sex toys, censorship, the literary and pandering evils of Fifty Shades of Grey and other topics not likely to be found on the Pulitzer Prize shortlist. She is also the editor and curator of EroticScribes.com. When she is not doing all of the above, Singer is an amateur stock-car racer and enjoys modifying vintage 1970s cars for the racetrack. Oh, she also likes porn.