Top 10 Intriguing Animal Mating Facts

June 16, 2014
SEASIDESLUT

You definitely see some startling stuff in porn sometimes. But humans aren't the only ones out there getting up to all kinds of depraved mischief - our friends in the animal kingdom are just as freaky. Let's learn, kids!

1. Traumatic insemination
Doesn't sound good, does it. It's how some invertebrates (such as the bed bug and the bean weevil) reproduce - the penis pierces the abdomen and ejaculates into the open wound. The process is often harmful to the female and can result in death.

The spined penis of the bean weavil

2. Lesbian cloning
The whiptail lizard species has almost no males. During the mating season, the females lez it up and the resulting offspring is a genetic clone of the mother with the largest eggs.

3. When two become one
The sadsack male anglerfish lives only to find a mate and will die if he doesn't. He has super-smell powers and special eyes to help him track down his sole-mate (geddit?) as swiftly as possible, and when that happens, he's keen to show his commitment by fusing himself to her body on a permanent basis. The lucky lady then continues on her way with her parasitic partner attached to her, sharing her circulatory system with him in return for jizz. Some species just don't know when to say no, and will accept up to 8 separate fishy boyfriends.

4. Kamikaze cock-plugging

The spoiled virgin queen of each honey bee hive spends her life being fed royal jelly, occasionally fighting off rivals to the throne. When she survives to sexual maturity, she takes flight with a dozen carefully selected male consorts, who compete to shag her in mid air. On penetration, the male bee jizzes with such force that the top of his cock snaps off and stays inside her. He falls to his death and the queen continues to be gangbanged in a similar fashion until she's sated, leaving a trail of corpses behind her and storing the sperm inside her for future use. Bit harsh.

5. Underwater orgies

Everybody loves dolphins. People cherish lifelong ambitions to swim and commune with them. Little do they know, the dolphins are probably planning to hump them right in the face. Dolphins spend 30% of their lives in sexual play. They engage in sex purely for pleasure with either gender; they have group sex, anal sex and even nasal sex where they fuck each other in the blowhole. They also masturbate with fins or against objects - one dolphin was observed wrapping a live eel round its cock for stimulation. They have no problem with inter-species sex either and have daringly been known to shag sharks. Human females apparently exude similar pheromones to lady dolphins, which has led to some embarrassing holiday snaps.

Flipper: filthy slut

6. Sexual cannibalism

The female praying mantis has been observed biting off the head of its mate at the point of ejaculation. This increases the vigour with which the dying male delivers its spunk.

Position of the week: The 'praying mantis'

7. Sex instead of a handshake/conversation/argument/anything

The bonobo ape uses sex as a greeting, to hasten bonding, to resolve arguments, to relieve tension, to ask if you want to share their food or as a simple expression of goodwill. They practise sex in a variety of positions and age or gender doesn't matter to them. The male bonobos sometimes fence with their cocks. I'm sure if we lived like bonobos we'd all be a lot happier.

From the Sock Monkey Kama Sutra by Vatsyayana Banana

8. Double-cocked gangbangs

When the female red-sided garter snake emerges from hibernation, she releases a powerful pheromone that causes hundreds of nearby male snakes to pile on and attempt to give her one - or indeed, two, because the male of the species has two penises. He just uses whichever one is most convenient.

Katie had captured the vicious double-snake - now what to do with it?

9. Whimsical gender-swapping

Something they forgot to mention in Finding Nemo - clownfish can flip gender at will, so his dad was in fact his mum. Within the clownfish school there is a strict hierarchy based on size - the largest is female, the next largest is the primary male and all the rest are non-breeding males. If the female dies, the top male switches sex and becomes female, and the largest of the non-breeders gets a promotion.

10. Love-dart-shooting hermaphroditism

Snails have both male and female sex organs, situated near their horns. To ensure that their sperm is more successful than that of a competitor, the two snails will fire calcium-based darts at each other. Hitting its target results in a much improved reproductive outcome for the victor. After both snails have made contact with their darts, they shag and exchange slimy bodily fluids. They can't see very well though, so sometimes they miss, or accidentally impale the other snail in the head. Never mind though, a shag's a shag.