Threesomes: Be Careful Out There!

June 20, 2014
COLEEN-AND-DAN-SINGER

by Coleen Singer at Sssh.com

What can we say about this? A couple of people (okay, three people) in China decided to have a threesome in a car. While one of them was driving the car. Or maybe the car was just running and the brake was accidentally disengaged. Whichever, one of the ladies (for this was one of those threesomes with two ladies and a man; and yes, the man was the one behind the wheel. But you would have guessed that, right? This article also suggests it was his idea--isn’t it always?) ended up breaking BOTH HER LEGS when the car smashed into a tree.

Apparently the encounter they had with emergency services was kind of embarrassing too, as there were clothes that had gone missing during the, ah, accident.

So what’s the lesson here? Don’t have threesomes? Don’t have sex in cars? Don’t have threesomes in cars? Pay attention to what you’re doing if you’re going to have a threesome in a car? Only have threesomes in cars when there are no trees nearby?

Let’s look at these lessons in order.

First: It’s okay to have threesomes. Heck, I think there should be more of the kind where there’s two men and one lady; cuz there’s way too many of the two ladies with one dude scenarios. But it does seem like some guys get nervous when there’s another naked penis nearby. Sigh. Get over yourselves, dudes.

Second: not having sex in cars. Well there’s nothing wrong with this, either. In fact having sex in cars can be kinda sexy, especially if you have a nice big car, and even better if it’s a big OLD car, because big old vintage cars are totally sexy. (Just make sure it runs okay, because you don’t want to break down in the middle of nowhere miles from a mechanic who specializes in vintage cars, it kinda kills the mood.)

Which brings me to the next lesson. Not having threesomes in cars. I gotta admit, I can’t really think of any good reason NOT to do this, other than the fact that most cars these days are kind of small and cramped and not that comfortable. Add in the necessity of moving around and trying to look sexy and get someone (or two someones) off and you may well end up with a stiff neck or some bruises or even broken legs. So maybe that second lesson applies here: threesomes only in big vintage cars. (Big new cars are kinda stupid. Threesome in a Hummer? Gross. Yeah, I know, it’s called a “hummer” but it’s still an ostentatious tank. Don’t do it.)

Pay attention to what you’re doing if you’re going to have a threesome in a car; that is the logical next lesson. Well, come on now. Isn’t it going to be necessary to pay attention while having a threesome no matter where it’s occurring? It’s a bit complicated. Not only is there an additional body involved but there’s an additional PERSON there. With thoughts and feelings and maybe even expressing a few words and noises on occasion. Then there’s deciding where to go eat afterwards. So yeah, pay attention. It’s not an everyday occurrence for most of us, so make it memorable and do your best to make sure everyone has a good time.

Last lesson: only have threesomes in cars if there are no trees nearby. After seeing what happened to this poor lady, this would seem like a no brainer. But avoiding trees is not the only caveat I’d recommend. I would also not attempt having a threesome in a car when there are police nearby (definitely don’t park the car in front of the police station). Don’t do it during a snowstorm, because getting stuck in a snowstorm when you’re all sweaty after having a threesome and unable to get out of the snow to go get a pizza, man, that would be most unpleasant. Also, avoid having a threesome in a car in the middle of a county fairgrounds parking lot. I don’t care how horny you are after riding the Tilt-a-Whirl and eating fried dough and watching the Siberian pot-bellied pig races: county fairs are nice wholesome family-oriented events and just not the place for threesomes in cars.

That’s about it. Have fun out there!