33.3 ‘Heavy Metal Movie’-Related Items to Which I Made Love to Myself in the 1980s

June 20, 2014
MCBEARDO

Fleshbot editor Mike "McBeardo" McPadden is the author of the newly published Heavy Metal Movies: Guitar Barbarians, Mutant Bimbos & Cult Zombies Amok in the 666 Most Ear and Eye-Ripping Big Scream Films Ever! (Bazillion Points, 2014).

Last week's Fleshbot interview with McBeardo was a mere bagatelle. Here the erstwhile Mr. Skin Head Writer returns with an original piece celebrating—single-handedly—some of the retrosexual high, hot, and hard points of Heavy Metal Movies.

Dive in, turn on, bang head.

***

THIRTY-THREE-POINT-THREE HEAVY METAL MOVIE-RELATED ITEMS TO WHICH I MADE LOVE TO MYSELF IN THE 1980s

Heavy metal was born on Friday the 13th of February 1970 with the arrival of Black Sabbath, the debut album of evil British occult rock pioneers, Black Sabbath. I was two. Heavy metal’s most rapid and prolific and ugly and beautiful outburst of growth occurred in the 1980s which, in human years, would make that era the music’s period of adolescence. It for sure was mine. The only difference now, of course, is that heavy metal may or may not have gotten over its own puberty.

By contrast, I just spent three-and-a-half years working EVERY DAMN DAY on a book titled Heavy Metal Movies.

So you be the judge. Harshly.

Alas, without further, a-spew:

1. The pile of girls in KISS make-up beneath the platform boots of the band on the cover of Love Gun. Just a few years earlier, those ladies ushered in my first grasping of the concept “lezzin’ out.”

2. Heavy Metal. The magazine AND the movie. And the poster for the movie that was an ad on the back cover of the magazine.

3. Jinx Dawson, lead singer of the original Satan-worshipping rock band Coven, who appears nude atop a sacrificial altar in the gatefold of the band’s terrifying debut, Witchcraft Reaps Soul and Destroys Minds. Turns out it kills sperm, too.

4. Wendy O. Williams fellating a shotgun in Circus magazine. And as I was zipping up, I silently joked to myself, “Well it WAS Circus magazine, now it’s an issue of CREEM!”

5. Wendy O. Williams wearing electrical tape on her nipples as she fronted the Plasmatics on the Saturday night Top 10 pop hits countdown show, Solid Gold. I’m pretty sure the Plasmatics were just a “countdown bonus” and not in the Top 10.

6. Wendy O. Williams wearing NOTHING on her nipples in a communal shower in the campy exploitation movie Reform School Girls.

7. Wendy O. Williams in the hardcore porn movie Candy Goes to Hollywood, exhibiting a talent she had perfected as Times Square peep show performer: shooting ping pong balls out of her vagina. W-O-W also definitely eschewed any form of brah-zee-ay for that feat.

8. The relatively lackluster Roman orgies on the Caligula episode of the PBS miniseries I, Claudius because, at the time, that was as close as I could get to seeing the MOVIE Caligula.

9. The movie Caligula. Praise Romulus AND Ream-us, the movie Caligula.

10. The Penthouse magazine one-shot special issue tribute to Caligula, that I shoplifted from a subway newsstand by shoving down the front of my pants, thereby suffering a savage paper cut exactly where I needed it NOT to be in order to properly enjoy the Penthouse magazine one-shot special issue tribute to Caligula. I now call that SKINstant karma. I eventually healed though. At least physically.

11. Reminiscences of the chesty, bra-clad lass who played Janet in the 1978 live cast of The Rocky Horror Picture Show sitting in my lap and then dropping her top onstage at the 8th Street Playhouse right after I turned 10. Those were the first live nude boobs I ever saw that were not attached to someone to whom I was related.

12. Every subsequent girl I saw play Janet in The Rocky Horror Picture Show after that, even a couple who perhaps may not have actually HAD boobs, if you catch my drift. You know: don’t dream it, be it… babies.

13. Copper-topped starlet Kelly Nichols taking a bath in the splatter movie, The Toolbox Murders. First, because she was naked. Second, because I somehow construed her character to be lesbian. Third, because I found out she was a hardcore porn performer whom I was sure had done some lesbian scenes.

14. Linda Blair losing her virginity to a lesbian girl-gang broomstick violation on a bathroom floor in the 70s all-time salacious classic teen trauma TV movie, Born Innocent.

15. Linda Blair’s satanically stacked monster jugs in a skin-tight see-through dress sans bra in Exorcist II: The Heretic.

16. Linda Blair on The Love Boat, because it made me think about Linda Blair’s satanically stacked monster jugs in a skin-tight see-through dress sans bra in Exorcist II: The Heretic.

17. Linda Blair on Fantasy Island, for the same reason.

18. Linda Blair sans even the most skin-tight and see-through of dress, let alone bra—ho, ho, ho—in a 1982 cover spread for Oui magazine.

19. The fact that Linda Blair dated Rick James at the height of his Superfreak fame. They just seemed so FILTHY.

20. The crotch close-up on the frightened lass wetting her pants in the insane slasher movie Pieces. I was NOT aroused by the ending when the living corpse suddenly squeezes the guy’s balls until they explode, but I did think, “… Kinky!”

21. The ultra-sicko sexual sadism grossout epic Bloodsucking Freaks co-starring Louie De Jesus as Master Sardu’s evil midget henchman Ralphus. Louie was also part of Parliament Funkadelic’s stage show, and had hardcore sex with Vanessa Del Rio - “The Latin from Manhattan” - in an 8mm loop titled The Anal Dwarf.

22. Ilsa, She-Wolf of the SS.

23. Ilsa, Harem Keeper of the Oil Shieks.

24. Ilsa, the Wicked Warden.

[Note: Ilsa the Tigress of Siberia is not included here because it was hard to find in Brooklyn, and I didn’t see it until much later, like 1995 or some ridiculous date]

25. Tawny Kitaen on the cover of Ratt's Out of the Cellar album.

26. Tawny Kitaen in the high-kink French comic book adaptation about a sci-fi lesbian queendom deep in the jungle, The Perils of Gwendoline in the Land of the Yik-Yak. I did not, however, spray her stupid Whitesnake videos with any viscous appreciation. David Coverdale's heinous hair heaps were too distracting.

27. Traci Lords as Satan in the Dark Brothers’ hardcore porn classic New Wave Hookers. Traci and I were the exact same age at the time—fifteen. I wasn’t aware then, and I’m glad because, in hindsight, I might have written her love letters. Okay, to be more specific, I might have actually MAILED her some love letters I may or may not have written.

28. Elvira. To be clear: Cassandra Peterson as the supernaturally bosomy horror movie hostess and Mistress of the Dark, NOT the Oak Ridge Boys song.

29. The monstrous, utterly mind-roasting 1983 teen sex comedy Hardbodies, which is rendered heavy metal when future MTV mousse-heads Vixen play the big climactic beach party. The title of their erotic anthem: “Computer Madness”.

30. The naked dead girl on the river’s edge in the movie River’s Edge. You know: desperate times, man….

31. Lita Ford, Runaways era.

32. Lita Ford, the “Kiss Me Deadly” video on Headbangers Ball era.

33. The two chunky chicks in The Decline of Western Civilization Part II who concur that that makeup on a man “brings out bisexual tendencies, 'cause women do like women.”

33.3 And finally, this one gets the point three ranking because I didn’t actually see it until 1991. The bimboleenas in Heavy Metal Parking Lot who want to jump Rob Halford’s boooowwwnz, because, even then, in 1986, you had to be a couple of irrationally horny chicks to not know that Rob Halford was only interested in the boooooowwwwnnnzzz of his fellow hoooowww-mooooowwzzz.