Orgasms, Technology and You

July 17, 2014
COLEEN-AND-DAN-SINGER

by Coleen Singer at Sssh.com

You see them everywhere, people glued to their smartphones and tablets, endlessly snapping photos of their lunch and duckface selfies. They ruin your view of your favorite band in concert (the one you’ve been waiting to see for months and that you paid so much money to see that you drank only cheap beer for a month), because they have to hold up their iPad to snap all those blurry photos that prove they were there having a good time (as opposed to just actually watching the show and having a good time). We’ve become more distracted by our constant need to check our texts and emails and Twitter feeds; and heaven forbid we try to get anywhere without using a GPS, even if it kills us (and sometimes it does).

Digital technology has changed the world and our lives, for better or worse, but did you know your personal technological gadgets can also improve your sex life?

And I don’t mean easy access to OkCupid.

New apps and attachments can actually turn your gadgets into self-pleasure machines. Is Steve Jobs turning over in his grave? Maybe, but with a name like “Jobs” did he really think something like this wasn’t bound to happen some day?

The first interesting item in this exciting new category of Stuff You Didn’t Know You Needed is the app that turns your smartphone into a personal vibrating massager. It’s called the iVibeMassager, and it’s basically an app that enhances what your phone already does when you have it set on “vibrate” mode for ringing, voice mail or text message notification. This page offers a whole host of FAQs for the curious. The manufacturer is very upfront about the app’s purpose and multiple uses:

iVibe Massager not only makes a great massager, it s also the most discreet vibrator on the market. Thats right, we are talking about personal massagers .

Open up the app and use it in the car ride after work.

Lock the screen and let the iPhone massage the stress away.

Put it under your pillow and let iVibe Massager soothe you to sleep.

It’s great for helping soothe the baby back to sleep too.

Are your feet sore at work? Try iVibe Massager at your desk and see how much more relaxed you feel.

Strangely enough, a whole bunch of people who have ordered this app either didn’t know precisely what it was intended for, or they’re embarrassed to see their names online showing they purchased it, because they’re posting 5 star reviews in a desperate attempt to have the record of their purchase disappear forever. Oh, no, dearies, this is the Internet! Nothing goes away ever!

The second interesting little gadget is an invention that, while admittedly clever, is somewhat less discreet than the personal massager app, and, in this blogger’s opinion, far more crude and sophomoric. It’s an attachment that lets you make love to your iPad. Yes, you heard me correctly. It seems to be strictly for men, given the shape of the equipment (ha ha), but I would guess a lady with a strap-on could use this thing as well. But I am thinking, yeah, mainly men are gonna use this thing.

It’s actually a protective case for your tablet, that you can use any time you want, but I am guessing most people will use it while viewing porn (or possibly while Skyping with a friend?). It kinda gives a whole new meaning to the Google Hang-Out function, if you know what I’m saying here.

The consumer reviews so far are quite amusing:

"The LaunchPAD takes watching POV videos to a whole new level! It feels like I'm really having sex with my favorite porn stars." -JT

"I love warming up my Fleshlight, finding some awesome porn, and going to town with the LaunchPAD" -CAPTAINBEEFSTIK

Well, there you have it; if CAPTAINBEEFSTIK loves this thing, it must be completely awesome!

Then there’s this fella:

"Stoya porn on your tablet + the Launch Pad + Stoya's Fleshlight makes it feel like she's really in the room! IMHO this is better than the real thing." -FLESHLOVER

Yes, it’s like she’s really in the room! It’s better than the real thing!

Um. Really?

FLESHLOVER, have you ever even kissed a girl???