“Dating Naked” Is Just As Awkward & Awful As It Seemed

VH1's newest series Dating Naked debuted last night, and holy hannah was it awful. We've been waiting with baited breath since it was first announced, and while the trailer from last week certainly gave us a good idea of what to expect, little did any of us know what was actually awaiting us on this thing. 

So, a couple of things you need to know. First of all, they're not even naked the entire time. As the sun sets on the first date of the episode between Joe from New York and Wee Wee from Nashville by way of New York, they're in beach attire. Second of all, after their date, Joe and Wee Wee will go on two more dates a piece, hoping to find romance or whatever.

The producers were ill-equipped to provide the contestants with things to do, so within the first five minutes, Joe and Wee Wee were rolling around in a giant inflatable ball. 

I couldn't make this shit up if I tried. Joe's second date was with an Israeli chick named Jasmine, who clearly fits his needs better because she's more fit than Wee Wee and doesn't have an original thought in her head. Also, she's not named Wee Wee. 

Wee Wee's second date is with Jack, a pale guy that's basically Bobo Adam Scott and compared himself to, "the geckos on this island, I like to adapt." 

By the time they get to their third dates, the producers must have been thinking, "how can we prove we're not racist? I know, we'll have black contestants in the third round." Joe preps for his third date by saying how amazing his first two dates were and, "the more options the better." Then he meets Chrisy, a "professional recording violinist." 

The most complimentary thing that Joe can rustle up is to say, "I love big eyes." 

Wee Wee's third date is with Justice, who when asked what he does replies (not in the form of a question), "I'm basically a headliner, you know what that is." No Justice, I have no fucking clue what that is. Nor does Wee Wee...

Wee Wee compares him to Rico Suave (way to date yourself with your references Wee Wee), and when she asks him if he's scared to walk through the jungle, he replies, "no, I'm naked." 

So anyway, Joe and Jasmine make out, which pisses Wee Wee off because she thought he was for real.

At the end of the episode, when it's time to pick who they connected with the best, much to everyone's surprise, Joe picks Wee Wee to go on another date with because he felt like he was fighting to keep up with Jasmine. This statement causes Jasmine to throw some major shade.

Wee Wee announces that Justice is the person she connected least with, and he takes that with a grain of salt, mainly because he's sweating like Judas on Easter and wants to put his fucking clothes back on. Justice then completes his metaphor mixing stay on the island when he says, "If I'm bringing filet mignon to the table, you gotta come with some good mashed potatoes, some vegetables. Basically Wee Wee just don't have the swag that can facilitate Justice." Glad to know he speaks about himself in the third person, I was worried there for a minute. 

Wee Wee just doesn't have a fuck left to give however.

Wee Wee goes back and forth, saying that she really connected well with Joe, but was upset with his behavior the night before. Of course she chooses Joe because she's a fucking doormat.

So yeah, everyone lives happily ever after I guess. Hooray Dating Naked!

Via VH1