Terrifying Sex Toys

August 5, 2014
SEASIDESLUT

I'm in the market for some new sex toys at the moment, and on my travels around the internet I have come across some pretty extraordinary offerings. Curious, dear reader? Why, read on!

Aw, it's a plush ET! Nothing wrong with that... Except his glowing red finger is a bullet vibrator. Thanks for sullying my happy childhood memories.

Always harboured secret fantasies of frolicking with the animals? Well now you can, without being arrested or hounded by PETA! ZetaPaws manufacture a range of dildos accurately modelled on animal junk. Pictured here: Orca whale (top) and dolphin (bottom).

Or perhaps you love the thrill of fear. How about if a vibrating scorpion burst out of a coffin and landed on your vagina? Awesome, right?

Come with me now, into the realm of the fantastical. Lose yourself in a heady fervour as you get licked out by a dragon.

Or how about this fuckable werewolf snatch? Now that's a fleshlight upgrade, eh?

Is that not enough for you? Do you want to actually be swallowed up completely by a slobbery dragon gob? Well OK, I'm not judging. Dragomaw will make you a dragon throat, or the head of any other species for a small supplement. Comes with their patented 'drool' (available in scented and unscented varieties).

Are you a bloke who'd like to play at having a vagina? Here's a strap on one you could try.

Or perhaps you'd like to get off in a mustachioed, spiky-tongued mouth. Go ahead, it probably won't come to life and bite your cock off.

Foot fetish? Enhance your pleasure and discover the delights of fucking a severed body part.

Perhaps you fancy having your gimp fuck you in the colon with his face dildo. Well why not.

Or you could support the craft community and invest in this superb handmade clay dildo from Etsy. Worried that clay is highly porous and a bit dangerous to insert inside yourself? Well never fear - this savvy seller has dripped a load of candle wax over it. So that'll sort it. (Alas, the dildo had been removed from sale at the time of posting)

Perhaps glass dildo art is your thing. Why not combine your love of artisanal sculpture fucktoys with your love of oozing toad pustules? Etsy seller Glasslust can help.

Talking of pustules, do diseased dicks do it for you? Sexflesh has it covered. For some reason.

Or how about indulging your penchant for all things gothic, with these hand crafted 'dil-dolls'?

Do you often worry that the apocalypse is near at hand? Perhaps you have nightmares of a dystopian future, the air clouded with a miasma of radiation. Why not get over your fear by practising having sex with a range of faceless mutant fleshmonsters?