Who’s Judging Consensual Sex?

by Coleen Singer at Sssh.com, with guest columnist Lola Lovely

I’m pretty sure I’m late to the party, but I’ve just read this article on Slate about a casual sex ad on Craigslist that went viral in the academic circles. The title of the article states that that ad was ‘terrifying’ and then proceeds to explain why it is. What did this crazy sex ad say? Basically a professor placed a Craigslist ad during the annual conference of the Modern Language Association (MLA) seeking a sex partner for some kinky roleplay. He wanted to reenact a job interview that would then turn into some consensual, sexy fun.

Now to regular joe’s like you and me, that sounds like a perfectly acceptable fantasy. I mean, people have boss and secretary fantasies all the time, so what’s new. In fact, this really sounds pretty vanilla to me. But the academic world went nuts with the news with people expressing their disgust over Twitter and more. As Slate writer Rebecca Schuman wrote in her article, “this particular ad was terrifying, because what it sexualizes is nothing less than the single worst moment of your average academic’s entire professional life.”

I understand that the MLA meetings are especially stressful and have been known to send job applications into panic attacks and nervous breakdowns. For someone sitting on the application end of such an interview, knowing that the person doing the interviewing holds your future in his or her hands, the last thing on your mind is sex (or maybe it is, who knows eh?). But my beef with this whole issue is the judgement that is issued forth on this professors fantasy. Schuman writes, “The idea of doing this for fun—even with full consummation between consenting adults—is truly macabre.” Yes, it’s an interesting fantasy, but to mock it is not ok. 

People have fantasies all the time - a lot of BDSM practice involves transforming taboos into fetishes. People have and enact rape fantasies, fantasies about getting beaten, even cannibal fantasies! Is it for everyone? No. These are bound to get someone’s panties in a twist at some point, that is the basis of kink. It is hard as it is, in this world where even having an open conversation about sex is a big deal, to come out with ones honest desires. Much less come out with a kink or fetish.

The thing is, as much as it might have seemed inappropriate to some people, at the end of the day, the professor put out a message asking for consensual sex. If someone decided to answer the add and showed up, we’re under the impression that both parties are in it consensually and this makes it ok from an ethical and moral standpoint.

Of course, if he were to behave inappropriately in a actual real interview, then yes, that is crossing the line and would be unethical. It would be horrible. But he isn’t. He put out an ad asking for consensual sex and he shouldn’t be made to feel embarrassed about it.

The Chronicle of Higher Education’s career website Vitae, managed to get him to talk on the record and he says (quoted from their article), ““I am rather ashamed to have been blind to the fact that my proposal can be easily seen as playing into power structures and abuses toward which I harbor great opposition—having to do with gender and rank. I am now trying to think of ways I can remedy what damage I have done.” That includes amending the original ad to include an apology which reads:

“It came to my attention rather belatedly that this post has gone rather viral and caused much consternation and controversy,” the note states. “The debate has drawn my attention to the fact that the post can be seen to perpetuate two power structures within the academy: those of gender and academic rank. The fact that this was inadvertent is irrelevant; I understand now I have done a disservice to all scholars who are victim of these structures, and all those who will be victims of it in the future. I am sorry.”

I feel sad that this professor has been shamed into issuing an apology for his honest, and ethical pursuit of his desire. Now he’s going to have to suppress it, or it will emerge in a different way. Consensual sex between two (or more) people is really no one’s business ya’ll but those involved.

About Lola....

If I were a color, I would be bright fuchsia… not exactly fiery red, but just enough of it to add some spicy fire and some pink and purple for a touch of feminine fabulousness. I’m an ambivert, which means I’m loud and friendly yet need a lot of quiet time. It doesn’t take a lot to get me excited and that can be a bit much for some people (read: introverts). I love passionate, positive people who believe anything is possible and are adventurous and willing to take chances because I am like that too. And I’m pretty awesome. I love fantasy and science fiction. I sleep with a light on. I love coffee but I only drink a cup a day. I love wine. I drink as much of as I can without being an alcoholic. Deep, meaningful conversation turns me on. Berlin is one of my favorite cities. I used to be a TV presenter and Actress in Malaysia. I sometimes enjoy being snarky, but not always. I write about relationships, lifestyle and men’s grooming and fashion.

Lola is a feature columnist at Sssh.com - Click here to read more of her commentary about sex, politics and culture