Marital Aid Test Kitchen: Mini Clit Pump

AR - There's something oddly appealing (to me, at least) about a sex toy that looks like a foghorn. The "Penetrating" Mini Clitoral Pump has that going for it along got a vibrator in the mix, so it doesn't just suck on your girl stuff—it buzzes away at it too! Really, though, it's more of a suction cup than a bona fide pump: one squeeze of the purple bulb and that's all you get. For a first time clit-clamper like myself, this is probably a good thing, because it won't feel too much like the unholy lockdown of the clit leech from hell. Mild suction is a thumbs up, and so is the vibe.

But what the hell is with the claim that the vibrator nub of the contraption can be adjusted to "personalize depth of penetration"? We hate to break it to the manufacturer, but we all know the clit can't be penetrated, right? This instruction led me to think that maybe I was doing something wrong, and I hate when sex toys make me feel bad about my ability to do things like, you know, read. But no, the suction cup part is really only big enough to fit over the clitoral hood, not the labia. The packaging lies! If I had something to penetrate in that area, you're damn skippy I'd know about it by now.

Lies about female anatomy concocted by the adult industry and my crumbling belief system aside, this clit pump is pretty decent if you're curious about what a little bit of suction feels like. For penetration, alas, you'll have to go elsewhere. Good thing there's plenty of choice where that's concerned.

· Mini Clitoral Pump (erosboutique.com)

Previously: Marital Aid Test Kitchen Archive