Marital Aid Test Kitchen: The Cone

You know those abrupt pullaway shots in movies, characterized by birds flying away and ruminants looking up from their grazing? Well that is what greeted the squeal that emanated from the Fleshbot Barrio Compound when The Cone arrived. Looking vaguely Cronenbergian despite its pinkness, The Cone most resembles the left entry in a 50's Sweater Girl's bullet bra, except it vibrates at several speeds and how uncouth would it have been to back into Bettie Page that way?

Read more about it after the gap. - GP

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You see, what you are supposed to do with this device is descend on it, whether by sitting, squatting, crouching, or mounting it like whatever Jennifer Jason Leigh was employing in "Single White Female" that made audiences equate masturbation with craziness. Coated with the same substance sheathing I Rub My Duckie and other put-them-inside-you favorites, The Cone's equally conical box displays several insertion suggestions, each reminiscent of the pre-Bono iPod ads.

There is even a wall mounting option, but The Cone does not come with adhesives you don't put on yourself. Also, its three-volt, 3000 RPM variable speed (up to 30 MHz) is probably a better fit for floor placement.

Like a sex toy Fonz, I bade a special passerby to sit on it.

"The pictures show someone reading a book," our subject noted. "I hope she's reading about how to put her ovaries back in."

"Try a slower speed," I suggested.

"That's better."

· The Cone (comeasyouare.com)
· Cone Zone (conezone.org)

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Previously: Marital Aid Test Kitchen Archive