At Long Last, I Finally Know How To Make An Alligator Horny!

- Coleen Singer, Sssh.com Porn For Women and Couples

Ever since I was a small child, I’ve been fascinated with reptiles and crocodilians, from tiny geckos to the massive “salties” that patrol the billabongs of Australia. Like a lot of kids, my fascination with scaled creepy crawlers started with Dinosaurs – creatures who, as it turns out, were really neither reptiles nor crocodilians, but that was one of many things we didn’t know about reptiles back in the early 70s, like that they were actually running the White House at the time. (Don’t take my word for it; find a 40 year-old copy of the Weekly World News for confirmation).

About 20 years ago, I took a trip to Louisiana during which I got to interact with alligators up close, doing all sorts of things that one really shouldn’t do, like feed them whole chickens with nothing separating me from their jaws but a few feet of muddy bayou shore.

Along the way, I learned quite a few interesting things about alligators, including the fact that when they reproduce, the temperature of the nest determines the eventual sex of the offspring; above 93 degrees Fahrenheit, all of the eggs will be male, below 86 degrees, they will all be female. (A human equivalent of this dichotomy might explain my frequent summertime wars with my husband over where to set our thermostat… but I digress.)

One mystery that the Summer of Gators did not solve for me, probably because I didn’t feel comfortable asking the agin’ Cajun who served as my bayou Sherpa, was the question “What gets a gator turned on?” Thankfully, due to the republication of a somewhat obscure article from the Tampa Bay Times, I now know the answer: B flat.

Seriously? That’s it; just one note, played way down low, in the same manner that appeals to the lead singer of Foreigner? Oh well, I guess it should come as no surprise that men of other species are simple and predictable, too.

That’s the answer for male alligators, anyway; unfortunately the article doesn’t address what gets the juices flowing for lady gators – an oversight that is sadly typical of the phallocentric culture that is American journalism (and American academia and sciences, for that matter).

Never one to shy away from reasonable, well-informed speculation, I have my own theories about what gets the motor running for an alligatoress (or should that be alligatrix?), ideas that I’m sure will soon be adopted and endorsed by an appropriately respected group of men in white lab coats holding test tubes.

Aggression, assertiveness and confidence: Let’s face it, no lady gator wants to mate with some wimpy, watery wallflower. There’s simply no room for a neurotic Woody Allen-type in the swamp. Lady gators want a ‘take charge’ guy, one who can and will bite right through a fiberglass canoe to kill his woman some dinner, if that’s what it takes.

Location, location, location: No proper lady gator wants to live on the wrong side of the anabranch, where bucktoothed poachers in thigh-high rubber boots patrol the muck with machetes and 10-gauge shotguns; they want a shoreline spot where they can see and be unseen. Securing the right slick is absolutely crucial in avoiding a case of the dreaded Bayou Blueballs.

A little romance, please: When a man-gator comes home looking for love, groaning, vibrating and causing water droplets to leap about as they do, that serenade is about more than just flexing their muscles and showing off their throaty singing pipes; it’s literally music to the lady gators’ ears, and just like human music, true virtuosity requires precision and accuracy. One wrong inflection will have that horny fellow sleeping on the couch for a week – especially if he also recently forgot a birthday or anniversary.

As you can see, alligators and humans are a lot alike in some respects – which probably explains why my husband just walked into the room with a dead nutria hanging from his mouth, expecting me to be excited about it….

About Coleen Singer:

Coleen Singer is a writer, photographer, film editor and all-around geeky gal at Sssh.com (@ssshforwomen), where she often waxes eloquent about Female Friendly Porn, sex, pleasure products, censorship, the literary and pandering evils of Fifty Shades of Grey and other topics not likely to be found on the Pulitzer Prize shortlist. She is also the editor and curator of EroticScribes.com. When she is not doing all of the above, Singer is an amateur stock-car racer and enjoys modifying vintage 1970s cars for the racetrack. Oh, she also likes porn.

Visit Coleen at Sssh.com for more kinky sex news, original movies and hot porn for women and couples!