Marital Aid Test Kitchen Pantry: Sphincterine

When discussing matters of the ass, I guaran-goddamn-tee you that everyone at Fleshbot is more well-versed than I. So when I received this innocuous-looking bottle of Sphincterine, a product which was the toast of the blog world as well as the reason for a $495,000 FCC fine against Howard Stern when it hit the market several years ago, I thought, "I need to get a baby mama right now and name our shortie this."

Not only would "Sphincterine" be great to see carved within a heart on the apple tree, it makes you feel like you got rimmed by a dental hygienist. Read our review after the gap.
- GP

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The first thing I did was smell the bottle. To its credit, the container was double-sealed, filled with eight ounces of liquid that smelled like the substance my orthodontist used to make molds of my teeth.

But we were at Freud's second stage now, and before anyone backed into something they'd regret I made sure to read the instructions.

"Squeeze a liberal amount of Sphincterine onto a clean washcloth or tissue and apply directly to the external area," the directions read. I'm fighting a losing battle here. Doesn't Sphincterine know that our enemies want nothing more than to associate the word "liberal" with the anus?

Anyway, the product is made of "pure herbal extracts" and "natural ingredients" so it probably wouldn't tear one's ass apart like the "Hellraiser" installment Clive Barker always wanted, so our subject gamely followed the directions and walked around, as if trying out a new pair of shoes, except the shoes were on her butt.

"It's tingly," she said. "It feels like Gold Bond Medicated Powder."

"Except you don't look like an old man," it was noted.

The question arose as to whether Sphincterine accelerated the unacceptability of one's ass even as it freshened up the area. "Use Sphincterine as often as needed," the bottle read, "which may be more often than you think!"

"Are you saying I stink?" asked our subject of Sphincterine in general.

Our subject was big into the whole ass thing ("But what do you think of the rectum as a hole?" ) and said that thinking one's nether area might not be up to snuff prior to an anal interlude caused much stress.

"So it's good to have it feeling fresh," she said. "You never know when things might go south."

"OK," I said.

"And it's better than soap," she continued, horribly, "because, again, it's so tingly."

"Just take the bottle home."

· Sphincterine (adameve.com)
· Sphincterine (official product site @ mintyass.com)

Previously: Porn Valley Dispatch Archive