My First Robot Blowjob: A Review of the Autoblow2

January 24, 2015
ALFIE

The Autoblow2 couldn’t have arrived at a better time. I had just received a “Dear John” text that opened with the line, “I’m in much need of some alone time…” Indeed, and I was in much need of some machine assisted masturbation time.

I may or may not have been in the middle of a one-man crank-fest when the UPS guy banged on my door with the Autoblow2. By the time I wrangled my boner under my belt, I had to rush down the street after the deliveryman to trade my greasy signature for the package.

The first thing I noticed about the Autoblow2 was its size. It’s as voluminous as two Big Gulps, providing far more interior space than my dick would ever need. I expected a long instruction manual detailing the various ways I wasn’t supposed to use the device. I assumed most male’s propensity to put their penises in compromising situations was a bigger problem for the masturbation machine industry than it apparently was. Instructions were minimal. The Autoblow2 was simple enough that a child could figure it out—not that one should. Beyond that, of all the places I’ve stuck my dick over the years, the silicone lips of the masturbation sleeve looked to be one of the safest.

The lack of batteries meant the toy was ready for immediate use, which was great news for my impatient boner. Generally I prefer wireless, rechargeable sex toys, but I assumed the Autoblow2 packs too much jackhammering power to run on batteries. Also, being tied to an electrical outlet wasn’t that much of an issue considering I wasn’t interested in masturbating on the go.

Before turning on the Autoblow2, I had to set the mood. I rechecked the lock on my door, closed my blinds, laid a towel over my computer chair, loaded a compilation of POV blowjob scenes on my computer, and stripped. By the good graces of the masturbation gods I had some water-based crank grease handy, which is as essential for enjoying such a device as water is for a Slip N Slide.

I lubricated my test dummy and strapped him into the cushy driver’s seat of the performance vehicle. Cradled in my crotch the Autoblow2 looked like space-age technology—like it would teleport my dick to an alternate dimension of pleasure. The machine hummed to life with a reeling noise that increased in volume with the speed. It was quickly apparent that I needed a little mood music to drown out the robotic sex sounds clanking into the hallway of my apartment complex. All of this ambient noise made it a bit challenging to hear the porn star on my computer expounding on her plans for my penis. I tried to imagine what the device sounded like to my neighbors—like a foot massager maybe, or at least a foot massager intent on jacking me off.

One of the best things about the machine is that it frees up your hands. You can double fist beers, munch on snacks, fast-forward your pornographic clip, text your ex about the awesome blowjob you’re receiving, flick your nips, or do whatever freaky shit it is you need to get off.

After a good fifteen minutes I gave the Autoblow2 a helping hand, pile-driving it down on my lap to add another layer of sensation. It didn’t feel exactly like a human blowjob, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. One of the major breakthroughs in the prosthetics industry came when researchers realized they could design limbs that functioned better than the real thing. Why shouldn’t blowjob machines be designed to give supernatural hummers?

Then came the question of clean up. I removed the masturbation sleeve and took it in the shower. Like any silicone toy, the rubber sheath could be rinsed with antibacterial soap. I strongly recommend against cleaning your used sleeve over a sink full of dishes, as this can lead to a situation in which you’re forced to throw out your favorite glassware.

Next was the issue of where to let the sleeve dry. I didn’t want to prop it up in my dish rack or hang it on my towel rack in the off chance the sender of a certain “Dear John” text stopped by with my things. I ended up swaddling the sleeve in a hand towel and hiding it in a drawer.

The Autoblow2 didn’t come with a cap to conceal the machine’s protruding lips and to make the device a bit less conspicuous. If you have kids I hope you have a safe or a lockable closet, as I can imagine nothing more horrific than your child discovering what he or she thinks is a kissing machine.

All in all, I was satisfied with my first robot blowjob. I felt like I was sticking my dick in a time portal to the future. I could almost see Autoblow12s with whisper quiet motors, an option for controlling the tightness of the interior rings, rechargeable power-packs, and a more innocuous exterior. I glimpsed a brave new world where men became slaves to their blowjob devices—which in all likelihood is how machines will conquer mankind. But, at least we’ll never have to worry about receiving texts from our blowjob machines, telling us they need some alone time.