Marital Aid Test Kitchen: Velvet Touch Clit Licker

In John Steinbeck's "Travels with Charley", the narrator (Steinbeck) strapped a garbage barrel full of soapy water into the back of his truck as he and his blue poodle journeyed from Maine to California. Into the barrel each night Steinbeck dunked his dirty clothes. Driving through the next day, the bumping of the truckbed on those Eisenhower roads got the clothes clean.

It is that principle which drives the Velvet Touch Clit Licker, a cunnilingus aid that will de-wrath your grape. Read on!
- GP

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Asia Carrera peers out from the box of the Velvet Touch Clit Licker, which has the instantly-recognizable smell of a flesh-substitute sex toy, like a Desperately-Miscast But Who Cares? Rosasharn Joad. There are several smells I will never forget: the perfume my wife wears when it gets colder, impending rain, fresh laundry, nursing homes, drilled cavities, and simulated flesh marital aids. All are distinct.

The Clit Licker is powered by two "AA" batteries and comes attached to a small controller with a dial. The object is to place the business end of the device on the clitoral area and go to town, adjusting the dial for intensity.

The immediate concern with the VTCL, as we importantly called it, was that it aspired to outdo the tongue but it did not function like a tongue.

The batteries vibrate the base of the device so the tongue part only vibrates as a reflection of that. Like the Myth of the Cave.

But the whole reason for this product is that the tongue didn't do the job in the first place. With that in mind, the VTCL, when mashed up against the parts in question and when its dial is manipulated acordingly, works amazingly well.

"It's like a robot," our friend said.

"But a robot who believes he's real?" I asked.

"No, just a robot." Once again I've proven that woman aren't as into feelings as the hype would suggest.

So the Velvet Touch Clit Licker is a case of the tail wagging the poodle, and the poodle was a cyborg. Just like in "Of Mice And Men". In that our test subject asked to take the device home, the product was a success.

· Velvet Touch Clit Licker (adameve.com)

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Previously: Marital Aid Test Kitchen Archive