Fear Not, The Cock Is Back On This Bull

Utah is an interesting state, one of the only in the country with nearly 2/3 of the people residing in the state declaring themselves Mormons. Therefore, it should come as no surprise that they're not thrilled with the prospect of seeing a large penis in public, even if that penis is attached to a bull statue and looks more like a party hat than a cock. 

According to the Southern Utah Independent (link below), the cock was removed from the bull atop Barista's Restaurant in Hurricane for about a week earlier this month, but has since been restored to its former glory. The reason it was restored? Owner Stephen Ward is just giving the people what they want, and what they want is a bull with a relatively accurate symbol of manhood. 

“I’ve got people coming from all over the world and they're like, ‘Where’s the penis?’ I’ve got people coming from North Carolina, I’ve got people from China. So I decided two days ago, I’m putting the dick back up. I decided that. I just thought that it was blocking some of the puzzle pieces, until I realized that it was such a small area, and that dick needs to be up there. It’s very important for the dick to be there. So I did it too for my customers. I put the dick back up for my customers because they want the dick. My customers like dick.”

Right about now, you're thinking the same thing I was thinking the first time I read this article. This is satire. Nope, this dude is just bat shit crazy. He hits all the highlights here: name calling, delusions of grandeur, casual mentions of training in martial arts, litigious threats, and of course the requisite, I'm getting too old for this shit...

Ward denies that he had received any threats or promises from local officials for him to remove the penis. “I did not cave. I decided that the dick needed to be there.” He also denies that anyone representing the city or planning commission had ever come to ask him to remove the penis. “Oh no. Never. That’s a complete fabrication. The planning commission and the council have never approached me. Mayor John Bramell, four or five years ago, ate with the cub scouts or boy scouts out on the patio. I don’t remember when the complete jerk (councilmember) Darin Thomas came in, but he’s a real ass, and I don’t like him.” Ward continued animatedly: “I don’t like any of them anymore. I don’t like the mayor at all, in fact I plan on suing him. Because he lied on his interview. He said that I (had) variance for my liquor license. I do not have a variance. I am 200 feet (away from the school). He lied on his interview (on St. George News).”

Ward continued his spirited interview with The Independent, saying “I am worth millions, and I’m just waiting to sue. I’ve got em by the balls, bro, so hard, and I’m squeezing them so hard they don’t know where to run.” He continued, a number of times getting up and pointing his finger. “They hate me, and I hate them. I want to kick the mayor’s ass. K. I want to challenge any of them to a fight, all of ‘em at the same time in the ring. I’m a full contact Kempo fighter, with Bernstien back in the ‘80s, but I’m 52 in October.”

Look, it can't be easy for a guy like this to run a business in such a buttoned down state as Utah, so I can see why he'd explode like this when given the opportunity. At least he's got a sense of humor about it all...

Ward claims that the story here is not about the bull or its penis but about the city and local officials wanting to shut him down.”Because it’s not the dick, it’s me. Because they knew that would slam my business with more customers, and that’s what they don’t want. It’s what I do, it’s me, it’s whatever they do.”

Keep fighting the good fight you beautiful dreamer, you. The entire Bankshot family stands behind you, including my Uncle Tim and Aunt Sue who live in Utah. If you're in or near Hurricane, stop by, grab a burger, and bathe in the glow of that glorious bull cock. 

Via SU Independent