How to Pick Up Chicks on Social Media

July 21, 2015
COLETTE-CALLAWAY

I'll be frank: Online dating is weird. We package ourselves together like a script pitch, bundling up all of our best qualities with a pretty bow and leaving out all the stuff we don't like. Then, we have to capture the attention of someone we've never, ever met, being careful to leave an intriguing first impression but not totally scare off the other person. When you add in the fact that you might be talking to a robot, it's terrifying. And no one is more skeptical than women.

Don't get me wrong—we're on sites like Tinder and OK Cupid because we genuinely want to date (or bone) someone new. But between duck-face mirror selfies, egotistical pick up lines, and novel-length introductions, it's easy to let messages come in and never, ever respond. Don't freak out, though–despite how it may seem, women aren't nearly as complicated as they might seem. Picking up chicks online is easy! Don't believe me? Here's what to do:

1. Don't bring up sex too early ...

Nothing is a bigger turn off than having a perfectly pleasant conversation about pizza than having Tinder Bro throw in a, "So can you deep throat? ;)" Put your cock back in your pants, sir. I can sense you jerking off from here.

2. ... But don't bring up sex too late.

Then again, if things never, ever get flirtatious or sexual, we'll probably invited you over to watch OITNB with us—and we won't mean it as a euphemism.

3. No gym selfies. Ever.

4. While you're at it, don't post pictures of your car.

Your lift kit is not a substitute for your face. We are going to think A) You have a small penis, B) you are an asshole, or C) Both (the most likely of the three).

5. Skip pictures with your ex and/or large groups ...

If you are with 34 friends in every picture, we are not going to take the time to try to identify which one you are.

6. ... But don't look like a total loner, either.

Do you have friends? Are you a serial killer? What's going on?

7. Avoid interrogations.

Interest in having a real conversation is great! Interest in knowing our zodiac sign, first grade teacher's name, favorite Disney movie, social security number, and blood type is not.

8. But, like, don't just say, "Hey."

Snooze.

9. "DTF?" is never a good lead-in.

Yeah, yeah, we already know you want to fuck. Unlike you, we can't get turned on just by breathing.

10. Repeat after me: "Insincere comments will not get her wet."

"So what company gets the joy of seeing your beautiful, smiling, ray-of-sunshine face everyday?" is not sweet. It's gross.

12. Don't ask her to come to your house the first time you meet.

This is the Internet, after all.

13. Unless she's cool with that.

But then sometimes, a girl just want to get right down to business. Then it's all good—just let her suggest it.

14. Try not to stalk her on social media platforms immediately.

We're not sure how you figured out our last names, and we don't want Facebook requests from you until we've actually met you. Except, your know, if we're trying to verify you actually exist. The worst thing you can do? Use our phone numbers to randomly add us on Snapchat. No, sir, that does not increase your chances of getting nudes. We see you.

15. Instagram is probably safe. Probably.

16. If she doesn't respond, don't double message her.

She is not interested, my friend, and you are digging yourself a larger hole.

17. Funny poems are cool.

I once got a Tinder message that said, "Roses are red, violets are blue, nice boobs." This was much better than the aforementioned "DTF?" and it made me LOL.

18. Serious poems, not so much.

Shakespeare is great. Shakespeare is not great from you before we know you.

19. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT, send an unsolicited dick pic.

Unlike boobs, dicks are not always attractive. When we're horny and receptive, they are magical beacons of sexual wonder. When we're not, they look like tiny aliens.