Behind Closed Doors: Your Brain on Cuckolding

July 27, 2015
COLETTE-CALLAWAY

Cuckolding is one of those things people don't talk much about.

Outside of chat rooms, somewhere within the anonymity of a username and indistinguishable avatar, that is. Even within the world of porn, it holds a specific kind of taboo. Not the kind that would prevent the flood of cuckolding and hotwifing videos that have inundated porn sites over the last few years, but the kind that means you don't hear guys talking about it much in the locker room. (OK, so I'm not frequently inside guys' locker rooms, but you get the idea.)

Here's the skinny on this genre of porn, though: It's one of the most searched terms on the Interwebs among straight men. When you examine it from an analytical standpoint, one thing is certain: Dudes love this stuff. (And a lot of women, too!) One look at Yahoo Answers on the matter will leave your head spinning, though - most men, whether they dig cuckolding porn or not, want to know why it's popular. What is it about a technically cheating significant other (more on that later) would compel a person to tune into this stuff? Do we hate ourselves? Do we hate our SOs? Are we manifesting our deepest, darkest fears in the form of eroticism and then whacking off to it??

Sorry. Back on track.

The voyeur in all of us

Cuckolding and hotwifing differ slightly from colloquial standpoints, though they're pretty much interchangeable terms. A hotwife, by definition, is a woman who is sleeping with, dating, or married to a man who thinks she's so hot that many other men would want to be with her. To that end, he wants to enjoy how much other men desire what's his, or he wants to share how much enjoys her, sexually or emotionally, with others. Cuckolding, strictly speaking is based more in the humiliation-motivated episodes, though this isn't always the case.

When you ask people directly (am I the only person doing this?), they'll usually tell you they're secretly turned on by the idea of their significant other getting it on with someone else. More often than not, they're much too worried about emotional infidelity and jealousy to actually stage such an event, but you get the idea. Watching your lovah make sexy time is hot!

Anyways.

There are a few reasons people gravitate toward cuckolding porn or relationships:

Humiliation: This is how cuckolding often pertains to subs and fem doms—it can be a powerful turn on. In this situation, the man being cuckolded enjoys being berated and humiliated while his partner has sex with another man. It can include everything from insults to bondage to forced participation (usually in the form of cum swallowing). That said, this is only one small niche of the cuckolding world.
Power: Many men feel incredibly powerful during hotwifing. This might seem odd, but think about it this way: If a man's SO is having sex with another guy, not for her own pleasure, but for his, it can make him feel incredibly powerful and in control. The fact that she would be willing to go this far to please him is often intoxicating, and the other man becomes almost an accessory to the boyfriend's sexual experience with his lover.
Voyeurism: Some dudes just like to watch sex, man. Let's face it: If you could watch people you know have sex, you'd probably choose them over strangers.
Joy: And then there's an entire subset of men who love to see their women excited and turned on, regardless of who's administering the sensations. Oftentimes, they love their wives so much, they want to share that love with other guys. Sharing is caring.
Possession: No, no, not in a dehumanizing way. Many guys love knowing that their girl can stray physically without straying emotionally—that no matter who she sleeps with, she will always prioritize him. I know I'd feel pretty great about that.

There are a few other theories about cuckolding, too. Famous sex columnist Dan Savage says men who have been cheated on are more likely to enjoy cuckolding porn as a coping mechanism. The sexualization of something you fear can be a pretty powerful tool. Other psychologists say that watching your SO with another man is a biological response—men's semen is more active when he feels threatened by other men, so he's wired to be turned on by it as a procreation default.

The only consistency when it comes to cuckolding? It's usually important to the viewer that the other guy has a larger penis than he does. It sounds counterintuitive, I know—wouldn't a guy wanted to be the biggest and best that his girl has ever had? As it turns out ... usually not. Big dicks are cool to look at.

The truth? There are many reasons we like the idea seeing our partners have sex with other people, and most people fantasize about it at some point in their relationships.

Cuckolding IRL

The most common thing you'll hear from both men and women who are skeptical is: Can two people engaging in cuckolding or hotwifing love each other and sustain an intimate one-on-one sex life? The answer is a resounding yes, though not all interested parties desire it within their relationships. (Like other sexual acts, it isn't for everyone!) The most important ingredient—and sexual catalyst—to bring it cuckolding into the bedroom successfully is trust. It doesn't exist solely in an emotional void—which is to say, it doesn't mean you don't respect or cherish your relationship. It's a natural human kink—in fact, most folks say that the more connected you are to your partner, the more erotic the experience usually is.

That said, to execute it in IRL, you need to have established a pretty unshakeable trust. Most people don't engage in certain sexual acts because they fear emotional infidelity and being left for someone else. It's why it's frequently most popular with married couples—they've usually established the kind of trust and assurance necessary. And hey—I hear it's a great way to invigorate a sexual relationship! You can only read "50 Shades of Grey" out loud to each other so many times.

TL;DR: If you're interested in cuckolding or anything else that's typically considered sexually unconventional (in a relationship or out of one), know that there are a million other people who are too. Keep doin' you! And remember, as always: Don't knock it 'til you try it.