The Weekly Mindfuck: This is How You Know

When my girlfriends and I exchange sex stories (and you know we do), I always hear the same thing. It's happened to me enough times to notice the pattern, too. During the bit when the guy goes downtown, he'll surface for air after five or ten minutes and tentatively say, "I can't tell if you've come yet."

Here's the thing: I definitely sympathize with dudes. Making a girl come with no guidance is akin to solving a Rubix cube, and each woman is monumentally different. If you put the female orgasm on the same plane as the male orgasm, it's almost phantasmic. If you can't see the product of an orgasm, how do you know it even happened?!

The truth? Male and female orgasms aren't in the same plane at all. (How's that for a sexy term?) It amazes me (across both genders) that we've kept female orgasms in the dark so much that we don't know the cues. I have female friends who, when I ask if they're able to come with their current partner, will still furrow their brow and say, "I don't know. I think so."

An instruction manual

I've always said a vagina should come with an instruction manual, and it's occurred to me that as a sex writer, I can probably just do it myself. 

So here's the first rule, applicable to both parties: If you don't know, it didn't happen. 

One of my guy friends put it most aptly when we grinned and said, "You know a girl is about to come when she starts shaking like an earthquake." Sometimes it's that violent and sometimes it's not, but it's always a palpable quiver or tremor. It's building tension that erupts in contractions, a sensation that will make her arch her back because she needs release—and that release is an orgasm. 

As the tension builds, we abandon control over our other muscles—that's how you end up in a head lock while you're going down on her. 

A second rule: A lot of times, you just haven't been at it long enough. 

One partner I had was fantastic at going down, but he never quite finished the job. It was incredibly discouraging for him, and got tired of me saying "you had me so close" time after time. The whole warming-a-girl-up can take a long ass time. From start to finish, it takes about 20 minutes of foreplay for her to be there. (A super sexy science lesson: Women can, quite literally, get lady boners, and they need them to get off. Blood rushes to the pelvic region, engorging the vagina and the labia.) 

That doesn't mean you need to go down on her for 20 minutes, of course, but you'll have to be touching her/turning her on in some way for about that long most of the time. During sex, that's easier. If you're trying to make her come before sex, then don't be discouraged! Just keep going! Ask her what she's liking, what she wants more of, and how it feels. 

A third rule: It needs to be wet.

Something I find really interesting about male and female masturbation: Guys usually like jerking themselves off with lube, but they can do it dry just fine. If a woman's clit isn't wet, it hurts to be rubbed. Trust me. Spit, her own juices, lube, olive oil, your tongue, it doesn't matter—make sure it's nice n' wet. The whole time. Even right before you down on her. 

All that said, it can be tough for women to come if they're nervous or conscientious. It's different than when a guy comes in that way, too. I've said it before and I'll say it again: when it comes to sex, communication and lube are the two most important things.