“Are We Designed to be Sexual Omnivores?”

"The contradiction between what we're told we should feel and the things we do feel leads to an unnecessary amount of suffering." The topic is monogamy, but more broadly, human sexuality as a whole. It's not like any of the TED talks I've ever seen—and I've seen a lot. 

Another one, this time a fun fact: "Humans and bonobos are the only animals that have sex face to face." An evolution that made sex's primary purpose bonding and pleasure. 

This talk, a brief but brilliant anthropological recount of sexy time through the ages given by Christopher Ryan, is about monogamy—and if it really exists. No one freak out on me here—I'm not suggesting that marriage is silly or that we're all destined to get divorced three times each before realizing that we should have just lived at a polyamorous nude colony. It's a little more optimistic than that, and it doesn't put down lifelong partnerships. In fact, I think his argument lays out what would be a vastly more successful framework for modern-day marriage. And I'm not saying it means everyone should sleep around. 

It all starts with a synopsis of human history, beginning with an obligatory evolutionary POV: We're not related to apes, we are apes. And technically, we fuck like them, too. Where we are as people now is a far cry from the pre-agriculture days of yore, and we might have really screwed up the intricacies of love and sex. (He also compares external testicles to having a beer fridge in the garage—it's magical.)

Don't take it from me, though. See for yourself: 

Modern-day monogamy, starting with an open mind 

That said, tossing monogamy to the wind is not for all couples. Many of us are in committed relationships or hope to have a singular lifelong partner. I count myself on that list. So how does the reality of monogamy mesh with marriage? 

As with almost everything involving sex, I think a successful approach starts with an open mind and an understanding of what it means to be human. It seems to me that being attracted to a variety of people isn't at odds with maintaining a successful, lifelong relationship, and it's hard to know how you'll feel after you've established a certain degree of trust and comfortability. One of Ryan's best points is, in fact, about bonobos' penchant for pair bonding. Said monkey pair is running about the jungle (or wherever bonobos live—I am not a zoologist), having sex with dozens of other bonobos, yet still maintaining their singular bond. 

In fact, I'd argue that our perception of sex and fidelity stems from jealousy and insecurity, not morality and loyalty. Keep what's ours to ourselves, or else we might lose it—if our significant other were to sexually stray, they might find something better, right? Fidelity, when broken down, is about control, and it came about as a manufactured exchange, not a natural relationship progression. Letting go takes courage and self assurance, and we all change as time goes by. That said, I'll be the first to speak up and say it: I hate the idea of someone I care about doing the no-pants dance with someone else. (Without me there, at least. Heh.) So how do you reconcile all these complicated things?! You can't brush your sexuality under the rug, and it seems our relationships pay the price for trying to do so. 

A couple I know has a great approach to all this. They're monogamous now and have been for four years. They discussed the nature of human sexuality early in their relationship, though, and they both agreed that they'd be open to talking about all of their desires if and when they came about—so if they eventually wanted to invite a third (or fourth) person into bed, try out sex parties, or even open the relationship altogether, they'd be able to do talk about it without hostility, resentment, or hurt feelings. 

As sexual as I obviously am, I'm also fiercely loyal and I never really feel the desire to sleep with anyone besides the partner I have at the time. (What can I say—I like to pick 'em kinky.) That said, I'm explorative, and I love the idea of knowing that my S.O. and I can create our own parameters based on how we feel at different stages of our relationship. Because who knows? Down the road, we may have all kinds of things we want to try out together.

The answer is (drumroll, please) .... communication, once again. Creating a flexible definition of monogamy (which Dan Savage has coined "monogam-ish") doesn't necessarily mean either party is going to sleep around. Depending on your specific pairing, it might mean having a completely open relationship, it might just means you're both allowed to find the waiter attractive the next time you go out to dinner, or something in between. The most important part is creating and agreeing to boundaries that leave both of you feeling safe and comfortable.

The benefit of all this, in reality, is feeling like you have the space and freedom you crave to explore your sexuality with someone you love. And that's pretty crucial for creating a healthy, happy relationship, don't you think?