Porn the Game: Drinking, Debauchery, and Double Penetration

OK, guys. I could lead this product review with all sort of things, like how Porn the Game sent us an expansion pack called "Extreme Drunkard." I could also tell you that it features card like "Crabs," "Bukkake," and "Ballgag." But you know what? There's only one piece of information you need: This game is fun as f*ck.

Before you get too excited, I'll go ahead and answer your question: No, this game does not actually include any sexy time (though there is a card in the expansion pack that demands the user take off an article of clothing). What makes this game so spectacular is that it is, in my opinion, the best drinking card game I have ever played. Ever. Behold: 

Here's the rundown: Each person gets four cards (although we actually started handing out more the second and third rounds), all the cards look a little like this: 

You don't technically have to drink when you're playing, but come on. I'm going to go ahead and give you a list of things you'll need for this game, as we were slightly unprepared. Not because the directions weren't clear, but because this game does not fuck around, despite what the cards may insinuate. Heh. Certain cards will direct you take a shot, while others will tell you to shotgun or chug a beer. "Take a drink" is considered to be a directive for pussies in this game—as it should be in all games. Porn the Game, if you're reading this, might I suggest "Put your pussy in your pocket" as a tagline? Eh?

Things you need to play this game: 

• A shot glass for every player. (Yes, every single one.)
• Hard liquor.
• Beer. (Like, a lot of it. I warned you.) 
• At least one Solo cup.
• At least one ping pong ball.
• A big ass table.
• A place to draw a picture.
• Something to draw that picture with.
• Tunez.

[A realistic rendition of a cruise ship.]

In an effort to curate the most accurate review possible, I recruited the majority of my office to play with me after work. Perhaps the best tribute to the badass-ery of this game is that three different people have asked me if we can play this on the reg as a permanent part of happy hour. All of the cards have a sexual or porn-related image and a killer pun, plus a prompt that will usually screw over you or the rest of the players. As the box states, it's a game "where everyone gets f*cked." Man, I love me some wordplay. 

As I said earlier, I would actually recommend that each player has more than the listed four cards. Our first round was quite short, though this may have been because we had not yet taken enough shots to shorten our attention span. When we upped the card count to seven, we played for what felt like forever. Which is good, because no one actually cares if they win a drinking game. (No? Just me again?) We mixed the E.D. ("Extreme Drunkard") expansion pack into the deck, raising the overall rate of alcohol consumption exponentially, which is almost always my goal in life.

If you can't actually play Porn the Game at your office because you don't work at Fleshbot, fear not! This is the game you always wish you had during that initial awkward stage of a party where someone is like, "Well, I mean, should we play cards, orrr ...?" Everyone wants in on this game, everyone gets super drunk, and it never gets boring. Cards that make you play "Truth or Dare," "Never Have I Ever," or "Take Off an Article of Clothing" (What? That's not a game?) keep things just scandalous enough without actually making anyone in the room uncomfortable—yet nothing is juvenile enough to feel silly. 

So go forth, I say! Buy this game at pornthegame.com, tell all your friends about it, and then tell me all your best stories after your first time playing so I can write about those, too. Believe me—it's that good. And if you won't take my word for it, check out this Reddit page. You're welcome.