Alarm Clock Face Off: ‘Wake Up Vibe’ vs. My iPhone

Some people like to meditate in the morning. Some people like to work out. Some people like to wake up to orgasms. Me? I prefer all three. So when I heard about the Wake Up Vibe, I realized 1) I had missed out on a really great business idea and 2) the universe was answering my prayers. I would recruit my boyfriend for this if I had one but alas, I do not. If I can't have morning sex with someone else, I'm going to have it with myself, damn it. 

So back to the Wake Up Vibe. To put it succinctly and shortly, it's an alarm clock that you wear in your panties. When the alarm goes off, it vibrates instead of playing "I Believe in a Thing Called Love" at an obscene volume. 

Let's start with the obvious pros: 

• It vibrates.
• In your underwear.
• Do you see what I'm saying? 

The concept is brilliant. While yes, I could manually handle the task (as I usually do), it's so much less work to be woken up this way. My initial fear was that I would begin to associate vibrations on my lady bits with waking up in the morning and begin to hate it, much like my relationship with the song "I Believe in a Thing Called Love." Luckily, this has not been the case yet. I still feel sort of like this in the morning:

It appears that the prospect of an orgasm will wake me up even when I don't want to, much like Christmas morning and the word "brunch." So far, the Wake Up Vibe is winning against my iPhone as an alarm clock. 

Now on to the cons. I will say this much: Sleeping with an object in your underwear, especially when it dips in between your labia like this, is sort of weird, especially if you normally sleep in the buff like I do. (Since it's held in place by your underwear, it demands that you wear said underwear. It's a rough life.) If you're already wet for some reason or another when you put it in the night before or you sweat in your sleep at all, it feels REALLY odd. I actually remove it when either one of these things happen.

There's also the bit about it's size. It's thin, and it does technically hug the curves of your body, but not every woman's clit is located in the exact same location. I have to pull it a bit higher than it should be to hit the spot, and that makes it less comfortable. I've yet to not wake up to the alarm as there are several different vibrates you can set it to, some stronger than the others, but if I were on cold meds or hungover, it might be a different story. So the iPhone alarm clock pros are as follows:

• I won't turn it off if I'm wet. Always a good thing.
• It never technically misses my clit, because it's never supposed to hit it in the first place. (Yes, that was confirmation I'm not masturbating with my iPhone. You're welcome.)
• "I Believe in a Thing Called Love" is always loud enough to wake me up.
• I'm allowed to be naked when I use it. 

Ultimately, whether or not you should purchase this bad boy comes down to how cool you are with having a plastic object in your underwear while you sleep. The buzz is nice, and you can use the alarm clock manually as a vibrator whenever you want. I've found my own compromise: I use my regular alarm clock until it goes off and keep the Wake Up Vibe set for 10 minutes later.

It's like hitting snooze—except with a happy ending, of course.