A Beginner’s Guide to Sexting

Ah, sexting. Senators are doing it. The 14 year-olds of the world, inebriated by SnapChat and iOS 8, are doing it. Your mom—she's doing it too. (I'm sorry, I won't make you visualize that again.) Cosmo is besmirching it, while terrified suburbanites have launched a damning campaign against it. Sexting can mean your naked pictures will be emailed to your parents by a satanic ex, while it's always also possible that your best friend was just trying to order a pizza using your Domino's app, damn it, and they instead landed on a picture of your boobs. Oops?

You know what I have to say about all that? Abso-fucking-lutely nothing. I love sexting, and I bet you do too. So let's make like a realistic sex ed teacher in a high school auditorium and learn how to be dirty the right way, shall we? There are a few objectives when you're making virtual sexy time, and they are as follows: 

• Avoid assholes. They will share your shit, and this is v. bad. Photos on the Internet are uncontrollable, like the chicken pox and Donald Trump jokes.
• Seduce your sexting partner. This is imperative, for the sake of your boner and your self esteem.
• Upload no naked pictures or videos of you jerking off to The Cloud. Bad things happen in The Cloud, and no one knows where it is. 
• Instigate no law suits or assault claims against you. This is imperative for your future, and probably still your boner.
• Create a space for exploring your sexual fantasies—not one for making passive aggressive statements against your spouse.

I'm on a mission to teach people the Sexting Ropes™ because sexy texts are the bomb dot com and we should be able to capitalize on the Apple Empire if our smartphones are going to slowly take over our lives, am I right? Here's why I vote "yes" to sexting (so long as you've picked a worthy partner):

• You get to talk about all your fantasies, many of which probably never would have come up on their own.
• Sexting makes you more creative in bed, because sexting can be hard.
• It helps make your relationship more intimate and trusting. It's much easier to admit or test something from behind your screen.  
• You will probably actually live out those fantasies!!! Yay! 
• It's really fun when you're bored on a family vacation, amiright?

Don't forget the foreplay

And by this I mean, don't lead with your dick. We've all watched romantic comedies, read the newspaper, seen pornos, and understand basic human interaction. Men and women are a wee bit different, and the fairer sex usually needs a little foreplay even of the written variety. Would you whip your dick out at a bar? My hope is that you answered "no." If you answered "yes," then I'm sorry sir, not even I can help you. 

Anyways. Texting conversations will usually turn sexual on their own. If you're wanting to gently push things in the right direction, start using winky faces. This is the only emoji you're allowed to use when you're sexting, so enjoy it. Next, stage a somewhat innocent but somewhat sexual question. "What are you wearing right now?" is generally pretty classic, though the ol' "I was thinking about you this morning" will usually work as well. (She will answer like "Hahaha why?!" and you can be all like "Guess ;)"). If she likes that, keep going. If she does not, immediately respond with "I was reading Maya Angelou and find you of comparative intelligence." 

The point is: If you sext someone without gauging their interest, things can get regrettably weird. 

Ignore every example you've ever read in a magazine

Cosmo once printed an article called, "I Basted My Boyfriend Like a Sexy Thanksgiving Turkey." You should not take sex advice like this. My personal rule of thumb for gauging tips and tricks: If it turns ME on, I'll try it out. If it says anything about slicking up my vulva with warm lube and covering it in frozen quarters, then I stay far, far away. 

Use good grammar 

Nothing is sexy about AIM speak. Nothing. Let me help you visualize what I mean: "I cnt wait to see u 2nite so I can suck ur hrd 8===D" vs. "I can't wait to see you tonight so I can suck your hard cock, baby." Which would you rather receive? Moving on. 

Be honest 

The best part about sexting is getting a feel for what your significant other genuinely likes and wants, so it's important to be honest and authentic. Sexting can feel awkward or embarrassing at first, but it gets easier as you go—when you don't know what to say next, envision the actual scene and think about what you'd legitimately want to happen next. This is where it can be a very intimate experience; if you're being honest, more often than not, you and your partner will divulge things you've probably never discussed with other people before.

I am actually not a huge fan of "And then what would you do to me?' conversations and gravitate more toward "I really want you to ___ sometime" convos or I just describe things that turn me on. Another good one for sexting newbies is discussing sex you've already had. It's a great jumping off point and can help inspire hypothetical scenarios you may think of down the road. 

When I say "be honest," though, I mean it within the realm of sex itself. There is some degree of honesty you want to avoid. 

"Baby"

This is a v. v. v. sexy moniker, even if you don't usually call that person "baby" in real life. I still remember the first time someone called me "baby" while sexting because it was only about a year ago, and I immediately wondered what I had been doing all these years asking for my actual name.  

Watch the emojis 

In this day and age, there's an emoji for everything. Peaches become asses, rain drops become cum, and the smiley-face-with-the-sweat-drop becomes a veritable facial. But you know what? If I wanted to express my sexuality through a series of yellow smiley face cartoons, I'd watch more hentai. Use your words. 

Unless you're sending this: 

This is definitely OK. 

Words to avoid

When you're sexting, you want to use sexy words. This is the key to seduction and mutual masturbation, which is what we're all hoping for, amiright? That said, there's a list of clinical words that have never and will never be sexy, and we should avoid sending them at all costs.

• Vagina and penis. The only person who is allowed to call my lady bits a vagina is my gynecologist. Pussy is usually perfect, unless you want to go for the more explicit cunt. Yep, I said it. 
• Vulva. Just, what? 
• Intercourse. This is not health class. 
• Pee pee. I have nightmares about childhood words that people use in a sexual manner. 
• :p. No. Never. The smiley face with the tongue is the enemy.

Words to use 

• Throbbing. That's a great one. (In reference to your cock. There aren't a lot of things that should be throbbing.)
• Baby. Unless you're referring to an actual baby and while you're not trying to conceive one. That's when shit gets weird. 
• Hard. Duh.
• Suckable. Dudes like this one. 
• Tight. The equivalent of "omgyourdickishuge."
• Wet. Double duh, but especially good for women to use about themselves. 
• Warm. (Can also reference dicks. Dicks are warm too.)

It helps to read your texts out loud or envision how they'd sound IRL, too. Think of the intonation you two would have as a pair. Is it slightly seductive or more aggressive? Choose your words accordingly. And whatever you do ... 

... make sure they're reciprocating. 

Use caution at the family gatherings

There's something risque and exciting about sexting that special someone when you're hanging out with the fam. It becomes significantly less exciting, however, when your dad is sitting next to you and reads your texts over your shoulder. This is the most awkward thing that could ever happen to you. 

Even more awkward than this: 

NEVER SEND A FLACCID DICK PICTURE

I know I've said this before, but it needs to be said again. And again. And again. And again. 

Be careful who you sext

This. Just, this. 

Contrary to popular belief, this only happens when you sext assholes, interns, and celebrities. If you sext an emotionally stable and relatively kind-hearted person, they will not blast your sexts all over the Internet. I know this to be true, because here I am, still without a sex scandal on my hands. *Knocks on wood.*

Remember consent

Even if your partner has given you the go-ahead to sext, you need to watch out for what makes him or her uncomfortable. Some people like to be called degrading names like "bitch" or "slut" and some people f*cking hate it, for example. Matching sexuality can be difficult in that way, but if she says no, don't press your luck just because you're behind a phone. At the very least, you'll piss your partner off. Worst case scenario, you'll make him or her feel incredibly threatened. 

Always finish what you started

Do you know what being blue balled is like? Then never, ever, ever starting sexting someone only to quit or fall asleep right in the middle. 

That's just cruel.