Best of Sex Advice

May 8, 2006
JDITZIAN

Sex can be pretty confusing sometimes. Objective reality becomes subjective; ass-backwards is the new forward thinking; good can be bad and bad can be good, unless the law says it's not, or unless the thing you think you don't want is the thing you want the most, or unless the thing you think want the most is also the thing you should be avoiding at all costs. Lying, cheating, selling human breast milk, Balinese vagina smoking, talking dirty, off label penis-pump use: what does it all mean? No wonder everyone is so confused! All the more reason to bring on the advice columnists to help sort things out. You'll thank us someday.
-A. Tolesco

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My Messy Bedroom, Dear Josey

When I called the spa, a lovely woman named Ildi explained that the Venus Vagina Smoke was a part of their two hour Balinese beauty ritual, usually reserved for brides-to-be and apparently quite the rage in the spa world these days. The woman sits naked in a chair with a hole in the seat while a bowl of seeds and herbs is burned under the hole. The smoke that wafts up into her vagina is meant to stimulate and disinfect the region so she'll be all randy and, I guess, er, disinfected for her big night.

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Puckerup.com, Anal Advisor

My boyfriend and I recently discovered the pleasure of penis pumping, and I'm thinking of getting a vaginal pump. But lately I have been using my guy's penis pump on my asshole, and I love the sensation and the feeling. I was wondering if you have ever done this, and if it is a safe practice?

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Sex Project, Sex Questions

Coming home on the bus there was a group of four high school students, around about fifteen or sixteen years old. They were sitting a couple of seats in front of me. During the bus trip they proceeded to get changed which involved stripping down to their underwear. Even though I knew they were underage, I still took a couple of looks, and now I feel really bad. It has reminded me of another thing, when I looked at a picture of Keira Knightley topless in The Hole, even though I knew she was only 16 at the time. I also feel bad because I am a bad judge of age and when I have checked people out, I may have looked at people who weren't 18.

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The Stranger, Savage Love

I'm a newly lactating woman who would like to recoup some of the many expenses associated with having a child. I'm wondering if there are places that sell human breast milk to fetishists (I'm sure they're out there). I looked online but couldn't find anything. Also, is there any reason I'd be arrested for doing this?

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eye.net, Love Bites

My wife and I are faced with a conundrum on which we would like an outside opinion. We have been married for 20 years, non-monogamous for about 16 of them. We first began swinging, then moved on to what would be defined as more of a polysexual lifestyle. We mainly have separate sex affairs, sometimes we still play together and generally we seek out partners through online personals. One thing we've found for as long as we've been committed this way is the number of people we could each get with if only we were cheating and not in an open marriage. Both of us have also had the experience of people blithely responding to our separate profiles and then seeming flabbergasted when they discover the poly part, something we don't hide. (A typical comment: "Let me get this straight. Your wife/husband knows, and she/he doesn't care? That's so weird!" Yes, that's weird, but lying to your spouse isn't?) So, our question to you is: being honest with each other and thereby fulfilling that part of our commitment, what do you think of netting casual sex partners by posing as cheaters?

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Go Ask Alice, Dear Alice

I am sorry if I seem maybe over-worried or so but I have a situation that I am not sure how to deal with and I need someone's help. I am a forty-two-year-old male, and I am not into masturbating. I am not sure why. As a kid, I was taught it was a bad thing to do and I was always afraid. I have two sons, one fourteen and another nine. I was getting ready to go to work the other day and I walked into the bathroom and my oldest son was sitting down on the toilet masturbating. I was deeply shocked and my son was deeply embarrassed. I did not know what to make of it. I did not know what to do about it so my son and I had a discussion alone about it. He said he has been masturbating for awhile, maybe a year, about everyday. He says it is something to him that is hard to drop, and sometimes it causes his penis to hurt, sting. He is not circumcised and he said he noticed that he had been getting red tiny veins on his penis and he was worried about it. I did not know what to do about it because I am circumcised and that has never really happened to me. I feel I didn't handle the conversation well because I was shocked and I don't know what to think of it. He seemed worried about it.

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Time Out NY, Get Naked

What I don't get is the whole "Whose pussy is this?" question. Seriously, we've been together for over thirteen years: Is there any doubt whose pussy it is? And, even better, what does he think? That I'm going to give the wrong answer? The other thing is, when he gets really wrapped up in it, he says the sweetest stuff: "I love you," "I can't imagine life without you." But at the end of each statement he always asks, "Did you know that?" For the love of God, yes! Seriously, this completely kills my mood. There are times when I want to scream until he shuts up, but I don't want to hurt his feelings. Is it possible to have sex without saying a word? Can't I just hear him breathing, moaning or whatever? Please tell me I'm not alone in this or I'm gonna start putting cotton in my ears!

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Askheartbeat.com, Dear Ms. Heartbeat