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Calvin Harris Inspires T. Swift’s Imminent Album With $40 Hand Job

EDITORIAL FEATURES

So. We all know how this story goes: A fuckboy walks into a moderately decrepit Thai massage parlor. 

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And he's like what, guys? Can't a fuckboy get a $40 massage in this town? 

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(This town is Los Angeles.)

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Then he's all, I mean, so what if this place is written up as Happy Ending Central on Yelp? Can't a man and his boner visit a sketchy establishment in peace? 

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My shoulder hurts, guys. 

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And then Taylor is all like, don't you have a personal masseuse? Don't you have 110 MILLION DOLLARS?

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And Calvz is like, babe. Babe. Babe babe babe. 

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Did I do something wrong? 

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And she's like, really? REALLY?

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But C. Harrz is just like, oh shit ... my bad. 

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And now, somewhere in the world, Taylor and her blank space are crying like this and working on a new single called "Your Boner Broke My Heart," which will inevitably sell millions.

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