“The Womanizer” Is Probably Black Magic

Alright, guys. I had the pleasure (heh) of trying out "The Womanizer," a strangely named but incredibly innovative vibrator (I mean, is it a vibrator? A suckerator? A magical beacon of witchcraft? I don't know) that claims it can give you an orgasm in under a minute.

In under a minute. Because it uses suction instead of vibrations. Or something like that. 

All of my fellow Vagina Havers out there know that this sounds splendidly preposterous, considering it takes the average woman 20 minutes to get warmed up enough to come as it is. I've always assumed that getting off in under five minutes was an activity reserved for human creatures with dicks, so I laughed in the face of this. Sure, I thought. Suuuuure, I'll have an orgasm in the time it takes to microwave a slice of pizza. 

But you know what? I fucking did. And it was, as all the reviews claim, LIFE CHANGING. 

I was sent this model, and considering my belief that all personal sex toys should be rendered in animal print for the symbolism, I was pretty jazzed. "Revolutionary clitoral stimulation" is what the package said. I scoffed. Scoffed. The directions were simple: Press the button, put the suction-y thing over your clit, anddddd go. So I did that. I didn't even have to charge the damn thing first.

A minute later, as I incredulously stared at this clearly make-believe contraption, I asked myself many questions. Did I hallucinate all that? Am I drunk right now? How is what just happened even possible? WHAT DOES SUCTION EVEN DO? (And then, of course, I remembered that suction is often the key to oral sex when it comes to the female orgasm. So, you know.)

It was the first time in my life an orgasm felt inevitable. I usually have to be in "the zone" to have one—you ladies know what I mean. It takes superhuman focus to make it happen, whether with a partner or my hand or an Inferior Vibrator or an electric toothbrush (just kidding on that last one), and I must be so turned on and into whatever fantasy I'm having or guy I'm with that it's impossible for my thoughts to stray to things like Poptarts and "Scream Queens" and how I can get away with not washing my hair that day. I couldn't believe it. Is this what guys feel like when they come? Can I think about anything I want while I'm doing this? Should I fantasize about what I normally—ohp, no, too late.

It was miraculous. I don't know how they Scienced this one, but I imagine a great many articles about suction and clit stimulation will follow the dissemination of this product. (Gentleman, pay attention.) Also of note: It was the first time I've had multiple orgasms in the context of their true definition, which is one right after the other. Pretty much as many as I wanted. I repeat: WHERE IS GANDOLPH? I KNOW THIS ISN'T REAL.

The only frustrating part about the Womanizer was how quickly everything came crashing down, which is, I imagine, how guys feel a large percentage of the time as well. I'd barely put my legs down before I turned into a puddle of hrmmmmmqqqq. If you're trying to get down with your bad self for awhile with, say, a nice fantasy or video, this wouldn't be your go-to. I would strongly suggest you handle that task manually if it's a marathon you seek. If you need to have an orgasm now or want to have a lot of them in a row or you just want to squeeze one out before work in the morning and you've already pressed snooze twice, I highly suggest this. 

But, you know, keep in mind: It's obviously dark magic of the highest power. Because I have absolutely no idea how any of this is possible.