Essential Items for Your Sex Pad

In the words of Pablo Picasso, "Sex and art are one of the same." And in the words of Martha Stewart, "The more you adapt, the more interesting you are." I'm an educated human being and I can do basic math, so I put two and two together—when you're putting together your sex pad, you want to be creative and think outside the box. Why settle for the limitations fed to us by Better Homes & Gardens when we could be transcending home decorating as we know it? That's why I'm here. And I'm armed with a few ideas to get you started on your quest for Sexual Greatness.

A wall-mounted lube dispenser 

You're laughing, but this is a real thing. Why is no one paying me to endorse lube yet? 

A row of sex swings

Because why stop at one? That's not very optimistic. 

Soundproof walls 

Your roommates will thank me later. 

A porn projector

Better yet, porn HOLOGRAMS. 

A massage oil fountain

This just looks like fun, doesn't it?

A sexual lazy Susan

Much more fun than the Teacup ride. 

A robot assistant

To help with setting up and cleaning up. 

A film crew

Trust me—taking your own videos is hard. 

"Ring for Sex" bell

Not gonna lie to you guys. I have this. 

A condom launcher

I imagine this as a contraption that would spew an unwrapped condom out so fast it would perfectly land and unroll on your cock. Cool party trick, amiright? 

A three-piece band

Because music during sex is great, but music that adjusts to match the tempo of your thrusts is better. 

Moist towelettes

Just trying to be practical on this one.