It’s Fucking Freezing: 8 Ways to Avoid the Horrific Weather With Sex

January 5, 2018
COLETTE-CALLAWAY

Look, guys, this early January cold snap is really throwing off my groove. I walked outside on Tuesday morning and it was -22 degrees Fahrenheit. With the windchill. Sigh.

Anyways, a lot of folks complain that making time for sex when it's cold is difficult, and while I feel that, let's remember that tons of people have sex in December due to the holidays. If you could do it then, you can do it now, and I'm here to help you with practical advice. Apparently men are even more aroused in the winter than they are in the summer. Weird, but I like it!

Put on your hottest thigh-high socks - except the fuzzy version

Your feet need to be warm to orgasm, I'm just saying. Thigh highs are universally sexy, even if they're made of wool, and will be much more appealing than those slipper socks your Aunt Barbara gave you.

Turn off Ancient Aliens and put on porn instead

Many of us have a reactive sex drive to begin with, meaning a little stimulus is necessary to start feeling horny. Your TV is already on - I know it is - so why not put on the thing designed to get you going?

Light a fire

Not for ambiance - so that at least one location in your home is guaranteed to be warm enough to actually take your clothes off.

Replace your workout

The likelihood of leaving your house for the gym when it's 5 degrees out is little to none, I know, so justify skipping your Orange Theory class by having extra vigorous sex. Doesn't seem like as much of a hustle now, does it?

Call in sick to work

I'm just kidding - don't do that.

Get drunk on gløgg

The mulled wine that's been popping up on hygge articles everywhere! It's warm. It's alcoholic. It'll get you juuuuust silly enough to try out some new stuff in bed, avoid leaving your home, and forget that it's fucking freezing.