#BundyEroticFanFic Restores My Faith in Our Crumbling Nation

January 7, 2016
COLETTE-CALLAWAY

By now, most of us know about Ammon Bundy and his militia, which have taken up residence at the Malheur Wildlife Refuge in Oregon. The area is relatively isolated, which makes sense. Because it's a wildlife refuge. For birds.

You know you're a badass Tea Party patriot when your militia takes over an unprotected bird sanctuary
— Stonekettle (@Stonekettle) January 3, 2016

It didn't take long for people to start making fun of the Bundy family along with all of the militiamen in Oregon, naturally, but things escalated hilariously quickly thanks to Colin Meloy, the frontman of the Decemberists. I mean, what did you think when you realized there was a base full of men, far away from any of their wives or girlfriends with nothing but their beards to keep them warm?

"They huddled together for warmth. The cold of Ammon's Ruger 22 against Brian's naked thigh sent a thrill up his spine." #bundyeroticfanfic
— colin meloy (@colinmeloy) January 6, 2016

Intially intended as a one-off joke, Meloy called forth upon the Tweeters of the world, asking them to cast their own submissions. And so #BundyEroticFanFic was born.

"Jason pressed Jed against a rack of "Birds of Oregon" books; his breath was sweet with jerky. Somewhere, an egret cried" #bundyeroticfanfic
— colin meloy (@colinmeloy) January 6, 2016

Naturally, most of the jokes include weapons, flannel, and snacks. Because damn it, even militiamen get a hankering for a bag of Cheetos.

Ammon exercised his right to Jed's bare arms, stroking his fingers lightly down until he reached Jed's loaded weapon. #bundyeroticfanfic
— Laura Packard (@lpackard) January 7, 2016

Ammon’s blue eyes reflected the dying embers of their campfire, and Jeb knew they’d finally do more than just bare arms. #bundyeroticfanfic
— Tom Joad (@OlTomJoad) January 7, 2016

"Say that word again. You know which one," Bryan moaned as waves of ecstasy crashed upon him. "Snacks," replied Brett. #bundyeroticfanfic
— Miz Cromulent (@MizCromulent) January 7, 2016

Twitter never sleeps, and fan fic submissions are still rolling. Who knows? One of these days, someone might make a movie out of this. After all, it worked for E.L. James.