Genius/Scholar Has Food Cart That Sells Popcorn and Sex Toys

Food trucks have long been the trendiest way to get good food in a flash, but they, like iOS and Justin Bieber's haircut, are always evolving. Exhibit A: This badass cart that sells snacks AND sex toys. 

via Facebook

Kwan Dixon, who hails from Evansville, Indiana, was shut down for selling the toys at his food truck without the right city permits. Pop's Popcorn and Koosier Daddy's Food Cart operated right outside one of the city's METS stations, and according to Dixon, the cart's customers bought hella sex toys. (It's all part of a therapeutic commute.) Some may call the premise bizarre, but I think it's brilliant. The only thing he is lacking? A niche, sexy-food experience for the cart's visitors. (Well, and that permit, but I digress.) Let me explain:

To truly appeal to the people of the Midwest and the remaining planet, you need to pair the right kinds of food with the right kinds of toys in order to create some kind of novelty sexual experience for them. You have to start by thinking about what kinds of people will visit your cart, where it needs to be positioned, and consider what they'll be doing before/after said food purchase (wink). I'm assuming the man will update his permits and press on with his quest to satiate the peoples of Evansville, so I've come up with a few ideal combos to get his brain churning in the meantime. Kwan, if you're reading this, feel free to steal these ideas. All I ask for in return is some free popcorn. 

Mac & cheese: Procrasturbation

Mac & porn. Easy, quick, satisfying. 

Wine and cheese plates: Marvin-Gaye-style making looooove

You're fancy AF. (Is it your anniversary? Valentine's Day? Are you apologizing for something you fucked up?) Great. This is where you'll find lingerie and couple's vibrators, because damn it, no one has time to go to Whole Foods AND Victoria's Secret after work.  

Sandwiches: Nooners

Suuuure, go ahead and tell your boss you're "stepping out for a quick bite." We know what you're really doing. Here you'll find individual packets of lube and tiny hairbrushes. Now is a good time to set an alarm. 

Ice cream: Solo play

You are not about to fuck around with other humans, literally or figuratively, and you probably want to get off before you crawl into your onesie and watch Game of Thrones reruns like the adult that you are. You need a fancy ass vibrator that does all of the work for you. And also a life-size cut out of Tom Hiddleston. 

Breakfast sammies: Morning sex 

Life before coffee is hard. (See what I did there?) It's time for fancy shower footholders and maybe some toothpaste. 

Whipped cream and chocolate sauce: Edible sex

If you're gonna pull a Ludacris, you're going to to need blindfolds, candles, and a shit ton of wet wipes. Trust me on that last one. 

Chicken wings: Bedtime jerk-off 

Fleshlights. Obviously. 

Pad Thai: Adventure time

This is where you go when you want things to heat up. Sex swings, strap-ons, and restraints galore. The only thing you won't find here? Butt plugs. Now is not the time. 

Pizza: Drunk sex 

You don't need sex toys, fool, you need condoms. You can thank me later.