Your September Whore-O-Scope

Hello and welcome to your monthly whore-o-scope, the Universal take on what's about to go down in pound town this month. Remember kids, the stars know all, and so do I. 

So - Basic Planet Things first. Uranus is apparently urging to you stop conforming to other's expectations. This means all of you should do anal, obviously, and say fuck the haters. Mercury won't be retrograde anymore on the fifth, which is good, because no one likes a drunk, degenerate, good-for-nothing planet. This means the planet Mercury will be moving forward, and so should you. Stop sexting your ex, Susan, you always end up crying into a bag of flaming hot Cheetos when he inevitably stops responding mere minutes before your orgasm.

Anyways, on to your specific sun signs: 

Aries

This is your month to really separate work and play, which means you need to stop banging your boss and/or secretary and take on a more suitable sexual mate like your hairdresser or personal trainer. It's also really likely that you're going to impregnate yourself or someone else, so you should probably pick up some flavored condoms on your way home from work today. 

Taurus 

September is full of motivation for you, but you won't act on it, as usual. It may seem tempting to stay with a secure option, dear Taurus, but remember: If your girlfriend won't have sex with you now, she won't when she's your wife, either. 

Gemini

You'll be frantic with compulsive, nervous cleaning energy this month, Gemini, so now is a great time to hang a sex swing - because let's be real, you're not going to drill a hole into the ceiling any other time of the year. Might I also suggest a waxing or an elaborate manscaping? It's likely to help your partner forget that you texted them eight times in twenty minutes while they were in a meeting earlier today. 

Cancer

You're too busy for sex this month, Cancer. Go buy a Fleshlight, I guess, or succumb to the inevitable and sob while watching Moana instead. 

Leo

You're feeling extra flaky this month, Leo, probably because your career and money momentum is at an all-time high and you really can't be bothered with the incompetence of mere mortals. Revamp your Tinder profile, embrace the Catfish, and have plenty of meaningless sex after meeting at your local wine bar, where you drink five glasses of the same low-priced varietal. 

Virgo

You can't be bothered to do much but day dream this month, dearest Virgo, so why not take this time to have as many sexual fantasies about your coworkers and platonic friends as possible? No one really wants to commit to you this month anyway, so any inappropriate public boners will soon be forgotten. 

Libra

September will be one of your most sensual and spiritual months yet, making it the perfect time to attend a swingers' club at a foreign monastery or perform the entire Kama Sutra in order. Remember: Physical flexibility is but a mental construct, or something like that. 

Scorpio

You're known for your sexual prowess, Scorpio, and this month is no different. What IS different is how much energy you have, making September the perfect month for more daring escapades like the wheelbarrow position, edging, and convincing your wife to have a threesome. 

Sagittarius 

Sagittarius, this month has you feeling more comfortable in your skin than ever before, which you think would be great - though when combined with your tactless nature, is not. Be wary when picking anyone up at the bar, as you're likely to get slapped.

Capricorn

The icy Capricorn is in prime learning territory this month - now is the time to take a class on rope bondage, auto fellatio, or emotional warmth. Try using emojis in your sexts this month, Capricorn, even if you think they're tacky and lazy. Pretending you have emotions will serve you well. 

Aquarius 

This month is a 10 on the physical scale and a 0 on the romance scale. Maybe you should go fuck a Cancer. 

Pisces 

The full moon is in your sign this month, Pisces, which means you're ultra in touch with yourself. No, really - you are literally in touch with yourself. Right now. You're touching yourself right now. Who can really blame you, though?