I Wore a Vibrator Necklace Around All Weekend and This Is What Happened

So here's a little story for you: One of my friends, in an effort to both tip off the Fleshbot editorial department and satiate the curiosity of his friend, asked if I'd ever heard of the Vesper. The what? I asked. Is a jet pack? A motorcycle? A streamlined smoothie blender? Anything with that name must be used by people who drive cars too expensive to sell at dealerships. "No," he laughed. "It's a sex toy." Ah. I should have known. 

I was slightly embarrassed I'd never heard of a sex product touting such a name, but the sheer volume of sex toys available for purchase on the Internet makes it almost impossible to keep up with all of them and subsequently review the Worthy Contenders. Even for sex writers like myself. Not one to waste more words than necessary, my friend sent me a link so I could see the little beast for myself.

And you know what? "Vesper" is the only appropriate name. 

Rule No. 1: All the best orgasms are portable

And with that, I introduce you to the Vesper from LoveCrave. I'm still not entirely sure how their marketing team brainstormed the name for this bad boy, but I do know that the Vesper is James Bond's personal martini. It would be fitting, would it not? The sleek, small design may be technically too large to look like it's just any old necklace—people who see you wear it understand it has some significance immediately—but it's not at all reminiscent of a dick. Not one bit. The Vesper is approximately -2 percent phallic.

After it came in the mail, some of my coworkers told me it looked like a bullet, and some said it looked like knitting needle, which probably says a lot about their personalities. Anyways, I think it looks like a golf tee, so I named it Tiger Woods. (I almost went with Byron Nelson, but I decided this was more fitting.)

A rare photo of me

The aesthetic obviously appeals to me because hello, it makes me feel like Lara Croft. I wore it out all weekend (yes—all weekend), and it looked good with virtually every shirt I threw on. Heh, I thought to myself. I'm about to wear a vibrator out in public. For the sake of reviewing the Vesper as an accessory first, as that's the order in which I used it, I tried it on with a bunch of other tops and dresses too. As suggested by the promotional photo, it looks absolutely stunning with deep, to-the-belly-button V-cut shirts and extra long dresses as well as any shirt with a collar that hugs your neck. Like I said, though, you really can't go wrong. 

I realized immediately after leaving my house why this little vibe was cosmically destined for my ownership and probably that of every other woman on Planet Earth: It's incredibly empowering. In a world where women are frequently punished for being open about their sexuality and pleasure, it was awesome to keep the reminder of hey, I'm a sexual person in plain site. I didn't shout it from the rooftops—HEY EVERYONE! I'M WEARING A VIBRATOR AROUND MY NECK!—because there was something deeply satisfying about keeping it as my little secret. I told a few of my friends, because duh, they need to own it, but I felt turned on and sexy all night. Which, when you're going out, is pretty ideal. It reminded me that anything is possible if you keep your eyes and mind open. 

Alas, this little trinket isn't just about feeling like the star of your own action movie. I wanted to make sure it got me off before I gave it a glowing review, so I gave it a few spins as well. Using the Vesper may differ from wearing it, but I didn't exactly need the owner's manual to get this thing going. There's a small, discrete button on the back. Press it once, and you have speed number 1. Another press bumps you to speed number 2 (more of a pulse, actually), and yet another subdues the vibrate a bit for speed number 3. Holding the button turns it off. Clean up is crazy easy—you're not supposed to put this little guy inside you, instead using it to stimulate your clit—so all you have to do is wipe it down. Really. That's it. 

And I just noticed: It's just about the size of a finger. How fitting! 

Which brings me to the No. 1 perk of owning this beautiful creation: 

Getting off in public  

I'll be straight with you: At this point in my life and career, I know quite a bit about sex toys and own more vibrators than is viable to use all in one weekend. That said, I tend to look for toys that will add value to new facets of my life. Like the one I lead in public. The first requisites when you're looking for an on-the-go vibe are pretty simple. You want to know: 

• Is it USB chargeable? Batteries are an archaic pain in the ass.
• Is it actually travel sized? My carry on is only so large. 

The Vesper passed these initial tests easy, and the wearability means that you can always have it on you, even if you're not carrying a bag or purse. You can carry it with you into cars, trains, planes, boats, public bathrooms, your friend's bathrooms, the rooftop of your building, to your hometown, on a bus, to the bar, to a wedding, to a wedding reception, to a baseball game, to a casino, behind your favorite restaurant, inside your favorite restaurant, to the mall, to a concert, to a graduation, to a church, to the pool (just don't drop it in the water), on a cruise, on a cross-continental Amtrak, and to salsa lessons.

Now, you can of course have sex or sneak a handy in any of those locations as well, and you probably have. But adding a vibe to that environment doesn't just raise the stakes and make the experience more exciting—it also means you (or your woman) are more likely to get off in the process, and more likely to do so quickly. I wouldn't call it "whisper quiet" as the packaging suggests, but it's quiet enough that no one is going to know what you're doing. This, my friends, is a beautiful, beautiful thing.

And yes, I'm fully aware many of the activities I just suggested are both sacrilegious and blasphemous, but so am I. Sue me.