Is Semen Really the Elixir of Life?

After encountering headlines like "Semen Fights Depression" alongside "Ask the Expert: Is Swallowing Semen Giving Me Diarrhea?", I figured the nutritional breakdown was worth some consideration. After all, if semen is a shining beacon of health and good fortune (or, conversely, Doom Juice), we should know. Those of us who ingest it as part of our sex lives, that is. Luckily, there's been quite a bit of research on the matter we can sift through to figure out what man juice is actually made of. Cum with me on this journey, won't you? (I'm sorry. I had to.)

If Jizz Had a Label

Here's the actual breakdown: 

(Image HT to ATTN)

Let's start at the top: The average load is only 3/4 of a teaspoon. (Damn, it always seems like it's so much more when it's in your mouth.) There's not much sugar, so I'm not certain if swallowing will help in the middle of a blood sugar crash—but I suppose it's worth further experimentation. Reaching for a glass of orange juice first in the morning can be very inconvenient. The protein/fat/carb ratio is Zone Diet worthy, but the DV is low. So low, in fact, I'm not sure if it's doing any good beyond the placebo effect (which I've likely just ruined . . . sorry) unless you're giving a few dozen blow jobs a day. Which you might. I don't know your life. 

Don't let it get you down, though. Technically, semen does contain trace elements of many major vitamins and minerals, so provided it's not carrying at STI or HIV, it's certainly not bad for you. Swallow on, I say! (And please, someone put that on a T-shirt.)

There are many semen cookbooks if you'd like to capitalize on said trace nutritional value and just say "fuck it" and consume as much as you'd like. While yes, I'd certainly say cum is an acquired taste, I'd also say it's not something I want to dip my pizza in—anyone who tells you semen doesn't taste vaguely antiseptic is lying to you. Nevertheless, if this is your thing, I back you 100 percent!

Then there are the purported effects on mental health, specifically depression. Is semen actually an antidepressant? Maybe, but maybe not. Sex definitely is, so there you go. Make sure you know whether or not you and your partner are STD-free, and then you're free to do what you will with semen. Mix it into your mojitos, rub it all over your face, spread it on waffles like syrup, or, you know, just swallow it when appropriate. It's your call, and your digestive tract. (And no—semen should not be giving your diarrhea.)

And now: I call for a study on the nutritional benefits of female ejaculate. It's all part of a balanced breakfast.