The Best of “Best of Craigslist”

Once again, the intrepid Viviane puts on her rubber(s) and goes wading into the murky depths of the collective subconscious that is Craigslist and emerges with tales of one night stands and proper condom disposal etiquette, lazy sex, dog sex, lonely sex, masturbating inside national monuments, and tips on treating yourself to the kind of gifts that keep on giving ... all of which you'll find after the jump. Just don't say we didn't warn you.

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The Best of "Best of Craigslist"
by Viviane

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Lonely Onanista Living in National Monument Seeks Assistance
"I am living inside the Washington Square Arch. There are no windows so it's a bit tomblike and claustrophobic, although a rudimentary air circulation system is provided through the nostrils and buttonholes in the fa
ade's marble statues ... I am masturbating, both hands at the ready underneath me, arms akimbo. This is my preferred position. My ass is gently bobbing up and down at a quick even pace, somewhere between Allegro and Presto, if I were a metronome. My body is completely taut, like a rope in a tug of war game played by Marines, every sinewy muscle in my legs, arms, shoulders and back well defined and twitching as a result of my efforts. My buttocks clench, right and left, involuntarily, occasionally revealing a spasm, my molars grind and chatter as if I were shivering. An extremely sensitive clitoris dictates the need to have a layer of material between fingers and body. Thin cotton handkerchiefs suffice and one is in place - I'm lucky to have found a vintage store nearby with a seemingly unending supply. My favorite Ranger, the one with the sense of humour, has already visited me today and before leaving has dropped a load of quarters, stacked within a tied condom, inside my rectum, as ballast. A very thoughtful gesture, considering the fact that my complex yet simple Onanistic process involves using my body weight/gravity in combination with the pressure from my fingers beneath me to cause the pleasure I seek. It's basic Physics, really. The 'O' end of the coin-packed condom sloppily protrudes from my anus in a clown's grimace."

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One-Night-Stand Boy: I have a small request
"I also occasionally have more than one one-night-stand in a weekend. I do try to clean up after them, but sometimes with the hangover and the going out again, things are not as tidy as I would like them to be. And when I bring a guy home, a used condom in the trash is not really a sexy accessory. I know, it's my house and I should clean it. I know, I'm a slut (but you weren't complaining last night). So, given that the bathroom is full of handy things like toilet paper and Kleenex, would you mind terribly wrapping the condom up before you throw it away? I promise to give you a great blow job in exchange for your consideration."

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(SFO) Looking for a lazy, semi-LTR
"I'll have sex with you even when I'm tired and you'll appreciate that. Every once in a while I'll probably get influenced by one of those awful women's magazines like Cosmo, and I'll try to set the alarm for the middle of the night for sex or touch you in weird places they claim are "ultimate male g-spots," and this will usually turn out to be more funny than sexy. You should always want to have sex with me, though over time you'll probably propose something I haven't done like a threesome or anal and I'll probably consider it very seriously as some sort of birthday/anniversary/special occasion gift, but I'll chicken out in the end. I'll understand if this makes you mad for a couple of days."

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Re: Why The Hell Is The Dog Getting Laid More Than Me?
"When an animal is hungry they eat. They don't care much what they eat. Some dogs will eat themselves sick and will eat poisonous things too. When an animal is thirsty they drink. Again, not too much thought goes into satisfying this need. When an animal is in heat they mate. No talking, no dinner and a movie, no nice car, no nice shoes. They give off a pheromone scent and howl to let others know they're ready."

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A public service announcment for guys about marriage
"Years 3-5: Along comes the house and kids. Through it all, you find less and less time or reason to have sex. You go from 7 or more orgasms a week down to probably once a month. You get a bloated beer belly and your love handles turn into big bulges. She gets flabby with baby weight that just won't go away. The second kid is even worse. She refuses to get stitched up after the second kid and so she's now so loose you can't even come inside her. When you do have sex, it's like fucking a bowl of pudding."

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Why I'm giving myself a vibrator for Christmas
"1. My new vibrator will not start begging me for a blow job before I even get him out of the box.
2. My new vibrator will not ask me to "snuggle."
3. I will not have to make awkward post-coital conversation with my new vibrator. I won't even have to look at him. He'll be stashed neatly away in my nightstand drawer.
4. My new vibrator will not tell all the other household appliances that I like to do it doggystyle and be smacked on the ass with a wire hanger."

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In Order to Make the World a More Beautiful Place...
In order to facilitate a more peaceful CL W4W environment, I propose that we petition
Craig
to initiate subcategories within the CL W4W forum. I submit the following for consideration ...

I
m a Skank, My Boyfriend
s a Skank, but We Can
t Help but Fantasize
Are you a straight woman with a fantasy? Does your boyfriend have a birthday coming up? Then
I
m a Skank, My Boyfriend
s a Skank, but We Can
t Help But Fantasize
is the place for you! Never mind that the forum is found in the W4W section
that
s just to keep all the REAL straight women and men without goals from wandering in. If you have a boyfriend, but spend your days daydreaming about what it would be like to be with a woman (and, hey, who hasn
t, right?), then step right up, give us your measurements and his
dimensions
and let
s get it on! This forum best suited for those with no respect for their partner, who can host, and own their own digital camera.

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MC with properly written MC's
"Disclaimer: I read MC's with a pathetic frequency, and I have consistently been troubled by some people's inability to write acceptable missed connections. I know all of these have been said before, but damn it, no one listens. So if everyone could kindly follow my instructions, it would cut down on a good deal of bullshit, which, for all I care, can get relocated to the hopelessly polluted Rants and Raves section. Thank you for your time."

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