2005: The Year in Box Covers

A few decades ago (when none of us were alive, so it almost doesn't matter), depraved, raincoat-clad porn consumers would get their porn delivered in a brown paper bag at the end of a dank alley. Now, due to the sustained efforts of noble First Amendment Patriots, adult material is everywhere and the market is crowded. That's why every DVD box cover should tell a little story before its contents are draped in ropey volleys ... and why you'll find my ten favorite porn box covers of 2005 after the gap.- G. Ponante

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10.
"Jose Pusher's Pimping Adventures 2": heralded as the film in which "Real whores audition to be escorts!", it's hard to imagine 1) why a whore would need to audition for a job she already had, and 2) why Master Pimp Jose Pusher chose to try out the woman on the left, who looks as if she can only be a long-dead messenger of unspeakable evil.

9.
Both Digital Playground's "Teen America" and "Jack's Playground" series feature the same simple, sexy montage of women who want to have sex with me but who are afriad to submit to my rigid moral code. While the covers are repetitive, they are effective. And while the covers are repetitive, they are effective.

8.
What our frank heroine really means is "Sure, you can fuck my face, but you'll have to get in line."

7.
Our pal Lexington Steele pops up like a slightly menacing Where's Waldo on most of his boxcovers, always making the mistake of wearing sunglasses and looking cool when people like Lauren Phoenix are squatting Gramward only footsteps away.

6.
While discipline around the Ponante household and rookery does not tolerate the exasperated looks found on this boxcover, "Undisciplined Whores" provides a helpful peek into the sordid world of decorative ballgaggery.

5.
God, this just looks like the worst day of Missy Monroe's life, doesn't it? She's got the predatory father in-law, the innefectual husband, the racist best man, and the louche party crasher. Here's to fifty years of Netflix!

4.
I always wanted to see this sort of thing when I accidentally stumbled into my residence advisor's room at my orthodox aggie college. Faith has a look that says "Hi!!!", and shouldn't that be what porn is all about?

3.
This one is called "Built for Sex 3", but I like to call it "Here Are My Goddamn Wares". This boxcover was shot in anticipation of a general porn shutdown during the initial 2257 scare, so it has the virtue of being both tame and lurid, like eating a cake made of plus-sized sports bras.

2.
Part of what makes Eon McKai an interesting cat is his pit crew, including the brilliant designer Alaska, who used to be a house artist for Hustler and Metro. Alaska put together a lot of what was distinctive in hipster-focused porn this year.

1.
Finally, nothing symbolizes the porn world better than an unfortunate pairing. There's art vs. commerce, desire vs. debasement or, in this case, a "Lick My Love Pump"-worthy title coupled with a stunning picture. Lilliane Tiger looks like she's been inched forward to the camera by a benevolent God.

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