The Weekly Mindfuck: Locker Room Talk

I'll preface this piece by saying that today, I'm not interested in discussing politics. I'm not interested in playing a game of he-said-she-said, and I do not plan on making any sort of commentary on whether or not the things I'm about to address make a person fit or unfit to be the president of the United States. My life's passion is advocating for the agency of every person's sexuality and their ability to express it, and that's what I want to talk about today. 

You've all heard the audio of Donald Trump discussing "grabbing women by the pussy" by now, and you've all heard his argument: It's just locker room talk. Many of his supporters agree, and many of his opponents do not - but I think the issue is much more nuanced than that. 

See, I don't think his argument is necessarily wrong. Hundreds of his supporters have sided with him on the matter, saying millions of men talk like this in every gym, locker room, basement, and bar imaginable and that doing so is par for the course. I don't think they're wrong there, either. I hear guys talk like this all the time about women, and I hear them say it about me when I'm within earshot. I've been touched without my permission in places I desperately didn't want to be touched any number of times throughout my life, and I don't feel those instances have been all that traumatizing in light of the brutal rape and abuse others I know have suffered.

BUT. And here's the but, friends - the normalcy of those conversations is a huge problem. "Locker room talk," whether you care for its definition or not, is common - so common that some of the men we love and care for talk this way, that women expect to hear this said about themselves and their friends, that little boys and girls learn at a young age that this is just how things work in our culture. We hear "locker room talk" on TV, read it in the magazines, and watch it unfold in the movies as a tenant of unrealistic and unrelenting masculinity. I see it used in the captions for select porn scenes, and I occasionally read it in select comments here on Fleshbot (a context for misogyny that particularly makes me cringe, considering my passion for this industry and how difficult defending its lens of consent and mutual pleasure within it can sometimes be.)

Look! Consensual sex on a locker room set! (Image via Brazzers.com)

We teach men when they're very young that this is the cool way - the right way - to discuss the women they date, marry, have sex with, and befriend (and for some, all of the above). Basic psychology would dictate that we can't blame these men (or women) for it either, considering this kind of indoctrination is powerful, reinforcing, and usually subconscious. To the men who talk like this, it seems harmless. After all, women may have the same rights as men - but we forget that we're only a few generations away from the centuries of oppression that taught us that unlimited access to female bodies was men's god-given right. The lingering effects of that will quite simply take awhile to eradicate. 

Let me be clear on one thing, though: The problem with "locker room talk" is not sexual language - humans are humans, and it would certainly be egregious to say that sex and attraction aren't natural things to think about, discuss, and want to watch other people have on your computer screen. The problem with "locker room talk" wouldn't exist if it ended at, "Wow, that woman is sexy and I'd love to kiss her or sleep with her." The problem with locker room talk is the proprietary notion of saying "I'm going to make her allow me to do those things with her whether or not she wants me to."

The problem, my friends, with this kind of macho "boys will be boys" vernacular is treating people like they are objects to be played with, lesser humans that don't deserve agency or basic human empathy. Like their consent is not important. Or even more commonly, like they are something to be conquered or used for validation and bragging rights. As Michelle Obama so eloquently said yesterday, it's treating them like they are the means for which you might make yourself feel powerful. Again, I understand where this language comes from. We live in a world where some women are still sold to their husbands no differently than a house or a sofa. In this world we live in, some women are still punished by the death penalty for refusing men sex. Times are changing, but not nearly quickly enough.  

Before being consensually touched by a machine! (Image via Fucking Machines)

Let me clarify what I mean, just one more time: Saying a woman is beautiful and that you want to touch her is not wrong - if she says the same about you, you've found yourself a good match, for either casual sex or a lifelong relationship. But saying you'll force yourself on her (or manipulate, coerce, guilt, or strive to convince her to let you touch her) absolutely is. 

The ugly truth is that "locker room talk" is just as pervasive as people have claimed it to be, and all those times I've been touched inappropriately really were bad. (Rest assured, I slapped those motherfuckers across the face.) Dehumanizing the recipients of our attractions has severely threatened healthy sexualities for all genders for so long, and promoting locker room talk as OK will prolong that problem indefinitely. Fortunately, my friends, this is something we can change, no matter who our next president is.

--

You can contact the author at [email protected].